Jcyf94's Blog

At my age, I am supposed to have gotten used to a lifestyle evolving about my profession, and worry about something else instead. It is 14:57. I just woke up. I had an unpleasant dream, not a nightmare, but was constructed on a reality-based foundation. I never got to finish reading Freud about the interpretationof dreams; it was written 100+ years ago.

I never got to finish most of the books I started, just as I never got to finish majority of the dreams I started. Being hindsight 20-20 and having his/her own personal agenda in mine, people would have all sorts of opinion as why they are so. Some say I might have grown up pampered and spoiled, not appreciating the merit of self-discipline while others simply dismissed them as signs of character defects; I should have been used to people’s gossips and laughters behind my back, just I should have been resigned to the fact that I have passed the Golden Age of 35.  It does not take a mind-reader to know what I think of this, especially now that I have stripped naked by disguises.

I do not have the habit of voyeurism, divulging my personal beliefs easily and casually. I do cherish my privacy and value my personal philosophy. As of this moment, after over four years of discovering my privacy had been intruded and dangled infront of passer-bys, I still do not know what to do about such shame. I am not shameful of what I have done in my life. I am shameful that I have been forced to endure the plight that is worse than being forced to walk naked, and can do nothing about it.  I do not know if it is done by blatant design, or careless neglects. The damage is done and I have to force myself to get used to such shame. If I stopped behaving as I had been before I discovered the fact, I would temporarily stop the bleeding, but then I would have to live the rest of my life with the hidden pain without being able to ask for any release. Again, I do not know I would ever get used to it, ever.

To divulge my inner self at this moment is not a choice. A wiser man might have a better solution; I have not met that man.

It is 16:35.

At my age, I am supposed to have gotten used to a lifestyle evolving about my profession, and worry about something else instead. It is 14:57. I just woke up. I had an unpleasant dream, not a nightmare, but was constructed on a reality-based foundation. I never got to finish reading Freud about the interpretationof dreams; it was written 100+ years ago.

I never got to finish most of the books I started, just as I never got to finish majority of the dreams I started. Being hindsight 20-20 and having his/her own personal agenda in mine, people would have all sorts of opinion as why they are so. Some say I might have grown up pampered and spoiled, not appreciating the merit of self-discipline while others simply dismissed them as signs of character defects; I should have been used to people’s gossips and laughters behind my back, just I should have been resigned to the fact that I have passed the Golden Age of 35.  It does not take a mind-reader to know what I think of this, especially now that I have stripped naked by disguises.

I do not have the habit of voyeurism, divulging my personal beliefs easily and casually. I do cherish my privacy and value my personal philosophy. As of this moment, after over four years of discovering my privacy had been intruded and dangled infront of passer-bys, I still do not know what to do about such shame. I am not shameful of what I have done in my life. I am shameful that I have been forced to endure the plight that is worse than being forced to walk naked, and can do nothing about it.  I do not know if it is done by blatant design, or careless neglects. The damage is done and I have to force myself to get used to such shame. If I stopped behaving as I had been before I discovered the fact, I would temporarily stop the bleeding, but then I would have to live the rest of my life with the hidden pain without being able to ask for any release. Again, I do not know I would ever get used to it, ever.

To divulge my inner self at this moment is not a choice. A wiser man might have a better solution; I have not met that man.

It is 16:35.

I feel alone, confused and stranded while under prolonged personal crises and as a result, severe chronic fatigue and stress with frequent panic attack, and the current medical establishment has not been able, and under the current circumstances, willing to treat my current physical and mental anguish, as I have few reasons to trust the ethics of physicians and the intention of the local medical authority, that my life and well-being are their foremost concern and priority, as the medical community is going through systematic change in the nature of the system. I have no choice but to take my recovery into my own hands, having witnessed and experienced the inner workings and reality of the status quo in the field of medicine.

I feel alone, confused and stranded while under prolonged personal crises and as a result, severe chronic fatigue and stress with frequent panic attack, and the current medical establishment has not been able, and under the current circumstances, willing to treat my current physical and mental anguish, as I have few reasons to trust the ethics of physicians and the intention of the local medical authority, that my life and well-being are their foremost concern and priority, as the medical community is going through systematic change in the nature of the system. I have no choice but to take my recovery into my own hands, having witnessed and experienced the inner workings and reality of the status quo in the field of medicine.

I am sharing my experience so maybe by the slightest chance either others would share their similar experiences and figure out a way to deal with them or through a properly structured system, I would succesfully learn to utilize the internet to succesfully establish a defensive mechanism realistically, so I can find a place online where I can find other people with similar values, experiences, difficulties, and goals to establish something that resembles a community, where what I have to offer would be genuinely useful, helpful and appreciated, as I would feel to others’ share experiences. I do not want to spend excessive amount of time online without a purpose or wasting time sitting and wondering what to do and where to go from here. I like to use internet as  part of solutions to my problems and engine to my growth, not a place to escape from reality and a channel to be exposed the ugly, sadistic and cruel aspects of human existence behind anonimity and the first amendment. I like to believe that with collective efforts, the rapid spread of socially Darwinistic way of living can be effectively countered, as well as the feeling of helplessness, powerlessness, isolatedness and being controlled by fear and paralyzed by despair. I wish to restore my eroding trust and optimism towards the local environment, the  fellow human beings, and the world. I do not expect miracles, saviors or utopia. I have personal stake in this. I have left too many virtual footprints not to continue chasing.

I am sharing my experience so maybe by the slightest chance either others would share their similar experiences and figure out a way to deal with them or through a properly structured system, I would succesfully learn to utilize the internet to succesfully establish a defensive mechanism realistically, so I can find a place online where I can find other people with similar values, experiences, difficulties, and goals to establish something that resembles a community, where what I have to offer would be genuinely useful, helpful and appreciated, as I would feel to others’ share experiences. I do not want to spend excessive amount of time online without a purpose or wasting time sitting and wondering what to do and where to go from here. I like to use internet as  part of solutions to my problems and engine to my growth, not a place to escape from reality and a channel to be exposed the ugly, sadistic and cruel aspects of human existence behind anonimity and the first amendment. I like to believe that with collective efforts, the rapid spread of socially Darwinistic way of living can be effectively countered, as well as the feeling of helplessness, powerlessness, isolatedness and being controlled by fear and paralyzed by despair. I wish to restore my eroding trust and optimism towards the local environment, the  fellow human beings, and the world. I do not expect miracles, saviors or utopia. I have personal stake in this. I have left too many virtual footprints not to continue chasing.

I woke up in a better mental state of mind than most days around 10:00. After blocking some unhelpful and unnecessarily negative thoughts (who the fuck am I to enable myself sleep until 10;00! Why do I need more sleep than others? Am I some royalty who has no responsibility? Look at this room again and…..)

I decide to set up a reward system to help me break out the current state. I scribbled down some ideas before I realize I really do not need many carrots, being able to complete a task itself will reap its own reward that I cherish the most.

If I clean up my room, I will not feel as stuck as I have been and definitely regain myself a sense of control that was lost and necessary. It will be easier to step out of the room and reclaim my ability. Taking showers will make me less self-conscious and healthier. Shaving and getting haircut will make me feel less guilty when I see my parents. All the rewards contain in finishing the chore itself. This goes for most cases for me.

Carrot and stick approach probably work when you want someone to do the he/she does not want to do. I DESPERATELY WANT TO DO WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO! I have not done them and I have tried many ways to propel myself forward to jump start, but keep on failing. I have punished myself to the point that becomes counter-productive.

Back to square one. I definite can do them despite my volatile condition. I just got to keep finding that small change that will change the game. I really wish, if I am being under surveillance, I can get to review the past to see that the key to my stagnation is.

I woke up in a better mental state of mind than most days around 10:00. After blocking some unhelpful and unnecessarily negative thoughts (who the fuck am I to enable myself sleep until 10;00! Why do I need more sleep than others? Am I some royalty who has no responsibility? Look at this room again and…..)

I decide to set up a reward system to help me break out the current state. I scribbled down some ideas before I realize I really do not need many carrots, being able to complete a task itself will reap its own reward that I cherish the most.

If I clean up my room, I will not feel as stuck as I have been and definitely regain myself a sense of control that was lost and necessary. It will be easier to step out of the room and reclaim my ability. Taking showers will make me less self-conscious and healthier. Shaving and getting haircut will make me feel less guilty when I see my parents. All the rewards contain in finishing the chore itself. This goes for most cases for me.

Carrot and stick approach probably work when you want someone to do the he/she does not want to do. I DESPERATELY WANT TO DO WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO! I have not done them and I have tried many ways to propel myself forward to jump start, but keep on failing. I have punished myself to the point that becomes counter-productive.

Back to square one. I definite can do them despite my volatile condition. I just got to keep finding that small change that will change the game. I really wish, if I am being under surveillance, I can get to review the past to see that the key to my stagnation is.

Teachers are not overrated like many believe. Many do not learn or are not able to learn, and teachers are not responsible for that. There needs to be a separate category of professionals who deal with such.

Yes. There are good teachers and bad teachers, but the determinant should not be the results by students but the teachers themselves. That is not an opinion. That is a fact. Education is not a production line. Teachers are neither line managers or workers; students are not your products, bought and sold at your leisure.

I need a teacher who automatically earns respect without having to ask for it by fear or flattery. I need a teacher who does not command hierarchical dynamics and understands the true meaning of mutual respects imply the nature of the relationship between teachers and learners.

I need a good teacher, and it is hard to find.

Teachers are not overrated like many believe. Many do not learn or are not able to learn, and teachers are not responsible for that. There needs to be a separate category of professionals who deal with such.

Yes. There are good teachers and bad teachers, but the determinant should not be the results by students but the teachers themselves. That is not an opinion. That is a fact. Education is not a production line. Teachers are neither line managers or workers; students are not your products, bought and sold at your leisure.

I need a teacher who automatically earns respect without having to ask for it by fear or flattery. I need a teacher who does not command hierarchical dynamics and understands the true meaning of mutual respects imply the nature of the relationship between teachers and learners.

I need a good teacher, and it is hard to find.