Jcyf94's Blog

I woke up in a better mental state of mind than most days around 10:00. After blocking some unhelpful and unnecessarily negative thoughts (who the fuck am I to enable myself sleep until 10;00! Why do I need more sleep than others? Am I some royalty who has no responsibility? Look at this room again and…..)

I decide to set up a reward system to help me break out the current state. I scribbled down some ideas before I realize I really do not need many carrots, being able to complete a task itself will reap its own reward that I cherish the most.

If I clean up my room, I will not feel as stuck as I have been and definitely regain myself a sense of control that was lost and necessary. It will be easier to step out of the room and reclaim my ability. Taking showers will make me less self-conscious and healthier. Shaving and getting haircut will make me feel less guilty when I see my parents. All the rewards contain in finishing the chore itself. This goes for most cases for me.

Carrot and stick approach probably work when you want someone to do the he/she does not want to do. I DESPERATELY WANT TO DO WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO! I have not done them and I have tried many ways to propel myself forward to jump start, but keep on failing. I have punished myself to the point that becomes counter-productive.

Back to square one. I definite can do them despite my volatile condition. I just got to keep finding that small change that will change the game. I really wish, if I am being under surveillance, I can get to review the past to see that the key to my stagnation is.