Jcyf94's Blog

At my age, I am supposed to have gotten used to a lifestyle evolving about my profession, and worry about something else instead. It is 14:57. I just woke up. I had an unpleasant dream, not a nightmare, but was constructed on a reality-based foundation. I never got to finish reading Freud about the interpretationof dreams; it was written 100+ years ago.

I never got to finish most of the books I started, just as I never got to finish majority of the dreams I started. Being hindsight 20-20 and having his/her own personal agenda in mine, people would have all sorts of opinion as why they are so. Some say I might have grown up pampered and spoiled, not appreciating the merit of self-discipline while others simply dismissed them as signs of character defects; I should have been used to people’s gossips and laughters behind my back, just I should have been resigned to the fact that I have passed the Golden Age of 35.  It does not take a mind-reader to know what I think of this, especially now that I have stripped naked by disguises.

I do not have the habit of voyeurism, divulging my personal beliefs easily and casually. I do cherish my privacy and value my personal philosophy. As of this moment, after over four years of discovering my privacy had been intruded and dangled infront of passer-bys, I still do not know what to do about such shame. I am not shameful of what I have done in my life. I am shameful that I have been forced to endure the plight that is worse than being forced to walk naked, and can do nothing about it.  I do not know if it is done by blatant design, or careless neglects. The damage is done and I have to force myself to get used to such shame. If I stopped behaving as I had been before I discovered the fact, I would temporarily stop the bleeding, but then I would have to live the rest of my life with the hidden pain without being able to ask for any release. Again, I do not know I would ever get used to it, ever.

To divulge my inner self at this moment is not a choice. A wiser man might have a better solution; I have not met that man.

It is 16:35.