Jcyf94's Blog

I have misspoken in the past on several occasions on different platforms. Sources which I considered credible at the moment were feeding informations to me that were erroreous or misleading to me in many ways. I do not recall everything that I wrote, especially that which I had deleted or commented on others’ posts, that is untraceable or unretreavable at this juncture.
If anything I said that was untrue or misleading, I will apologize to whomever that were affected by my words. I do not know how to properly apologize under the current climate, but I have not forgotten my experiences or repercussions, however strong or insignificant they had been or might have been. I cannot guarantee that I will not misspeak in the future, for I do not know what the proper and responsible things to do should be at any given moments.
I have been living under chronic mental anguish for the past 3+ years, now accompanied with constant physical pains. I hope knowing my current state would provide some comfort and satisfaction to those whom I had offended and those who have been driven for paybacks and retribution.
I am holding on to a belief that silence means acceptance to my current fate, that a state of terror is to be the norm from now on. If I have the control to my own fate, as opposed to a predetermined mandate, I will not accept continuing to be terrified, in silent resignation.
If I have lost such control, I hope that it would be made known to me, clearly. I deserve at least that much after three years in artificial vacuum.  

There are two ways to annihilate an enemy.  One is britzkrieg, cutting his throat as quickly as possible.  You want the world to know it is you who does this.  The other is to either let him or force him to slowly suffocate and decay into atrophy.  You do not wish to reveal your true identity.  

I do not wish and have never wished to be on someone’s enemy list, but I am now.  The wish to be kept alive might sound far-fetched and exaggerated at this point, but I cannot help but constantly look behind and think ahead, especially in a state of isolation.  One must not isolate himself from the outer world.  It is dangerous and could have lethal consequences.  

when you throw a person who does not know how to swim.  into deep water, his reflex is to struggle to stay afloat and breathe.  The more he struggles, the more he is vulnerable to drown.  We know the way to deal with this situation is to relax and let the body be afloat without unnecessary motion.  We also know there is no time to think when faced with such situation.  We were TAUGHT such survival skill and practice until it becomes a natural reflex.  People say putting a man in a “sink and swim” situation is the fastest way to learn and grow.  Maybe people do not mean it literally, but what does “literally” mean nowadays?  

i hate complaining to people.  I had made efforts to stop myself from complaining to people about anything.  That is why I wrote to myself and speak to myself.  People say complaining is healthy.  Now I know that people will make you unhealthy if you complain.  I do not know how to find another outlet since I have been living in a glass house.  I am not complaining about the glass house and the utter void of privacy.  I do not want to be turn unhealthy.  

My father.  My mother.  My sister.  My niece.  Me.  

Who would you choose if you are forced to choose between your father’s life and your mother’s life, and you are the designated executioner?  What if the whole country, the whole world, use your parents, without they knowing , to take away your sanity, your ability to subsist, or even your life?  I am facing people who are specialized and enjoy these types of entertainment, the leaders of the public and private sectors.  

That is why I have to fight anyway I can.  I have always been a peaceful man.  

When I saw the number 71, the first thing that came to mind was the year that my country withdrew from the UN.  It obviously means differently to most.  Same goes for many other words and phrases and their proper contexts.  There are things I wish I understand but do not and there are things I wish I do not understand but do. I wish I am able to ask someone, “I do not understand what you are saying.  What do you want from me?” instead of behaving like a prima donna pseudo-elite making demands when I am constantly contemplating what to do and what not to do under the circumstance.  Then, I am reminded what exactly people want from me, being a piñata.  Things cannot be clearer than they appear to be now. 

There are people, some of whom I know, some of whom I do not know, that want me slowly or quickly tortured to death or worse.  This will sound like a gross exaggeration, except many of these people I know do not bluff and are capable of anything, as they have proclaimed themselves deity already.  I have lived in constant vigilance and expected at anytime that I will be within their palms to be squeeze to death.  I can only deal with fear and record what is in my mind, as I could only do for years. To subsist and survive long-term constantly lingers in my mind but I do not know how at this moment.  Nobody has ever threatened my existence before and one does not get to practice how to subsist and survive.  People talk about decency, conscience and sense of shame.  After I have been terrorized for years, those attributes erode like dripping water slowly drilling a hole on a rock.  

When I am scaffled and chained physically or psychologically on the corner of the society, I am extremely motivated to unscaffle and unchain myself so I can be free to do things I am really motivated to do.  There is no one to blame and no one to point fingers at, at least when I am clear-headed to think the circumstance over.  Many said that I am a narcissist because I only thought about myself.  Maybe they are right.  When my life is constantly surrounded by malicious forces, I think about the existences of me and my family, in the present and in the future, only.  People have attempted to drive a wedge between my own existence and those of my family before; that is why I am weakened but always motivated. 

It is frightening to think a group of people is going to gather and dissolve/terminate ones that appear and think differently than they are, for sake of peace.  That seems to be the consensus, however.  I have been frightened long enough.  It was the reason I purchase air soft handguns because the threats are real and present, and there is nowhere to be sheltered. 

Forgetting and remembering are both coping mecanisms when one is being put in a constantly and extremely hostile and dire environment.  There are other coping mechanisms only the person in the middle of such environment could understand.  I absolutely should not reveal any of my thoughts under the current circumstance and I have made efforts to make sure of that.  However, I am still writing at this moment and I do not know why.  It is not because I have not been terrorized enough or because I am trying to defy or show my toughness.  I do not know the reason except I have been terrorized enough, persecuted enough and chained by powerful yet unsavory forces long enough.  I feel very often that my life is in constant danger and that most people think that what I have been through are deservedly justified.  I remind myself to be guarded and seek no empathy or aids when I am reminded of the past, the present and the likely future.  However, I am at this moment acting against my own interest and following what can only be called my instict or reflex, like unconsciously remembering and forgetting. I do not know where these come from. I can only record it when I am mentally and physically fit enough.  I am a human being.