Jcyf94's Blog

There are people, some of whom I know, some of whom I do not know, that want me slowly or quickly tortured to death or worse.  This will sound like a gross exaggeration, except many of these people I know do not bluff and are capable of anything, as they have proclaimed themselves deity already.  I have lived in constant vigilance and expected at anytime that I will be within their palms to be squeeze to death.  I can only deal with fear and record what is in my mind, as I could only do for years. To subsist and survive long-term constantly lingers in my mind but I do not know how at this moment.  Nobody has ever threatened my existence before and one does not get to practice how to subsist and survive.  People talk about decency, conscience and sense of shame.  After I have been terrorized for years, those attributes erode like dripping water slowly drilling a hole on a rock.  

When I am scaffled and chained physically or psychologically on the corner of the society, I am extremely motivated to unscaffle and unchain myself so I can be free to do things I am really motivated to do.  There is no one to blame and no one to point fingers at, at least when I am clear-headed to think the circumstance over.  Many said that I am a narcissist because I only thought about myself.  Maybe they are right.  When my life is constantly surrounded by malicious forces, I think about the existences of me and my family, in the present and in the future, only.  People have attempted to drive a wedge between my own existence and those of my family before; that is why I am weakened but always motivated.