Jcyf94's Blog

My own assumption of my reputation based on other’s perceptions to my online behaviors:

• Indulgence in excess of narcissistic voyeurism.
• Shameless display of self-pity and contempt.
• Awareness deficiency to environmental vulnerability.
• Blatant disregard to personal privacy and reputation protection.
• Open invitation to predatory attacks and exploitations.
• Evidence of inherent flaws and weaknesses in character makeup.
• Flattened learning curve reflected by lack of knowledge on safe usage of social media and other sites.
• Indication of idleness, unemployment, boredom and online addiction from the login time.

My perception to my current state

• Reflection of addictive personality and retarded social growth.
• Signs of behavioral abnormaly and psychological trauma.
• Fear of permanent social segregation due to perception of mental illness.
• Fear of seeking help thus forcibly relinguishing control of my own fate to adversaries.
• Mental fatigue due to constant pressure to stay alert and vigilant to react to threats and push forward.
• Prone to extreme and high-risk measures out of desperation to quickly,

1. repair severe damages to reputation,

2. counter potential external threats,

3. regain ability to function and appear normal forcibly, and

4. push to jump-start recovery and  by any means necessary

What am I hoping to gain from this?  Do I want anyone to know this? I am attempting to dilute the past by large volume of words that are non-sequential+,  It is better to be known as an emotional, lonely and wordy person than as a delinquent.  keep feeding words so that no one would bother to read it.  What have I already exposed that was true and dangerous for others to know?  What is too late to change perception? When my private blog which I set to be accessable only to me only to find out that others had read it word by word and was not afraid to let me know through sophisticated means, what did they hope to accomplish, except to strike fear and intimidate me?  What is the identity of the enemy? Why do I assume that they are not intruding what is supposed to be personal? If I were the enemy, what would I do if I want to achieve the goal of wiping out me and my family?  Is revealing my inner thoughts doing more harm, or helping achieving my goal, or making no differences.  I never ever attempt to be the enemy of anyone, so what I experienced could not be acts of retribution.  It could be either1. setting me up as a mark since our family has no more value to others and I appear to be an easy target to throw to the wolves, 2. I missed some crucial information I needed to know, 3. for unknown reason, I need to be discredited and rendered disabled eventually, 4. paybacks aiming at Dad for unknown reasons, by using me as the weapon to sink the whole family.  I was sure that it was directed towards me, and my words carry zero weight in this “guilty until proven innocent” scenario.  If I filtered out all possible players, ones that could gain access to what is meant to kept private, I can only think of telecom, service providers or hackers, unless, with close to zero possibility, I am put under surveilance for whatever reason.  I cannot let this go.  I am not sure what the goal is, who the perpetrators are, what methods to keep info safe, and if there are information transaction taking place.  On the other hand, I know what I do not know, and knowing what I thought might not matter anmore since I had unknowingly revealed so much about me.  What wouldn’t they know? Do they have leverage against me? Do I have dirty laundry? No and no.  I have no means to protect myself and my family.  That is the fact.  Hacking me will not accomplish much.  If I let this letter be read, I do not know if others will see me finally as a human being, not the degenerate I seemed to be protrayed to be.  I am however prone to making assumptions on top of other assumptions, so if any one or two assumptions are mistakes, I am not in position to judge a conclusion with little uncertainty.  I should remind myself of the following, that facts without evidences are merely subjective perceptions.  Legitimacy of such perceptions will be negated by the combination of the paranormal nature of the facts and the mental status of the witness.  Even though I am 100% certain of their occurances, making them facts are no longer my prime concern.  My concerns, ranked by priority, are to increase the possibility of my eventual recovery and rejuvination to make this effort relevant, to stop further damages of body and mind and gradual erosion of hope, to remember that state of mind changes with my condition at a given time and that I am not at all emotionally stable and in control therefore the more I try to convince myself what I am doing at any given moment is justified, the further I drift away from reality, to recognize that I am in no condition to make rational, clear-minded, and well-thought out decisions and judgements and fatigue, along with over-reliance on chemical solutions, are keys to the continued deterioration of my overall well-being, to remember that my writing often controls the direction of my thought stream and I can easily become my own slave, that I do not enjoy my current life progression of forever doing what I know is waste of time and energy and that I just like to feel I am doing something so I do not feel empty and powerless, and that your reputation and creditability are secondary compared to your basic health.  Extreme shame, powerlessness and disappointments are as unbearable as sadness, fear and anger.  Yes, I need chemical to keep me from breakdown I know I will not be able to bear, but I am sinking gradually rather than free-falling, and there is no rationalizing out of this mess. All is null if I keep losing control and love of Self.  I was not projecting my fear and anger towards others in the beginning, but now I am and I realize that.  If there exists any at all, all the alleged enemies have to do now is waiting for me to keep letting myself decay, and all the nightmare fantasy and damages will be just as I had predicted, and I would have no way to change.  I can write, think and get my necessities.  I hope to start from this point, and let go what needs to be let go and hold on tight what needs to be kept and remember what I cherish the most.  What i really what to say to others at this point is “Help. Please stop treating me as a criminal.  Please hear me out.  Please treat me as a human being at his lowest point in life.  Please stop hurting me if you are hurting me.  Please do not threaten me with death and my parents’ well being.  Please do not force me to rid my pain relief and call it a cure, knowing when I end up worse than now, you will abandon me and shift all the blames onto me with lies so you can cover yourselves.  Please believe my intention, if you do not believe my words. Please do not force me to attack the innocents when I am not able to do what you threatened me to do.”  I cannot say these to anyone, because I cannot identify the person I was addressing to and prove that I am not delusional.  I cannot say the word help or openly show weakness, knowing that it is an open sign of weakness and people who can command such fear usually treat any signs of weakness as justification to hunt down the target, and they allow no room for mercy.  Dependency and calls for helps are two things I will never again admit to anyone, not because I fancy myself to be tough, but because being open and honest in regard to my flaws and weakness guarantees attacks from predatory beings, and my biggest regrets always involve honesty.  There are concrete reasons for me to guard myself as tightly as I do, and people whose intentions I trust do not realize that their trusted allies have betrayed them.  I have many regrets , but not trying hard enough is not among one of them.  I know that I have done nothing against my conscience, but I know that I have disappointed and hurt my loved ones simply because I am not strong enough or able enough to lessen their suffering and pain.  Now that I am feeling the sensation of dizzyness and disorientation all in a sudden, I am certain it is caused by external forces. Whether it is certain energy based attacks from outside of my body, or it comes from materials I put in my body, it is crystal clear to me that it is artificially induced, and I have no say in stopping it from causing possible damages to my brain, and I do not know whether there is a cure.  I try not to think about it when I am not reminded.  There is no way of spinning this, and if I were to perish on way or another, I will not be able to close my eyes, knowing that the damage is outwardly induced, and I see death happening around me with people getting used to the idea of someone else deciding whether I should suffer from brain damages and when I will die is unthinkable to me, and if I am correct, I regret I never will know the identity of my executioners and torturers and provide protection for myself and my family.  Because of such sensation is positively known to me as man-made, I cannot stop looking at others with utmost caution and contempt, constantly be reminded the level of cruelty and disregard for life human beings are capable of, and no one will know until it is too late to stop the damages.  I will stop writing now and fight for and with my life.  I will put it out there