Jcyf94's Blog

There are different forms of violence and means of torture.

In a civilized & functional society, physical tortures are universally condemned thus easy to stop. Psychological tortures, however, are easily staged & executed without a trace of evidence. A person can be “hacked” as a computer, except human thought process is far more complex than a CPU, if not more powerful. You hack a machine, and damages and recovery rates are quantifiable given enough time; it is either fixable or beyond repair. You hack a person’s mind, you GUARANTEE unknown scale of damages, visible & invisible, in the short run & the long run.

The motives behind such tortures do not matter at this point: boredom, anger, fear, coercion, sadism, profit, or pure thrill of absolute power. Two things are for certain. One, the perpetrators have no regard to the targets’ lives or well-beings, as the target is valued the same as a piece of machinaries or even less. Knowing the potential damages of psychological tortures had proved to make zero difference to the perpetrators.

This leads to the second certain facts behind such act. It leaves no evidences and cannot be proven with scientific method, therefore the perpetrators can remain hidden in complete anonymity under broad daylight. We are dealing with a person’s emotions and thoughts and in no way close to making sense of exact inner working of a person’s brain at this moment. For example, we know bullying causes lasting damages to a child’s psyche but we do not have a clue how to heal the damages.

One of only ways to deal with it is to stop bullying from happening by force and to imply that the victims of bullying weak-minded in need of special counsel. The hassle-free and simpler way is to blame the victims as equally responsible and profile both troublemakers while putting efforts to fear both parties into silence and keep any similar incidences under the radar.

I grew up under such mentality and used to interpret it as culture-specific until it is too late for me to realize that such mentality is universal and historic. I should have been content with not growing up in an environment encouraging and glorifying bullying and tortures as symbols of strength and evolution. Because of the two abovementioned characteristics of psychological tortures, it is an area where no perpetrators can be stopped and no victims can be spared and rescued. You do not dictate the circumstances; some dictators do.

Knowing what I know, I understand for people who suffer from bullying or tortures under today’s climate, it is precisely the situation without possible help from outside world, i.e., every man for himself. You try to look for people who have suffered and have not been broken and given in to despair and figured things out together, while thinking of any means possible to keep yourself from drowning alone, without a sound, without hope. You cannot count on anything or anyone but yourself.

My understanding of reality depends on me being able to communicate with people and interpret my observations of the environment in the proper context. To comprehend and respond to a message, a signal or anything that provide meanings, under normal condition, do not require extra efforts because regardless what language a person speak, there is a baseline, a commonality shared by most people that does not require thinking. I either understand or I do not; I cannot think my way out of what I do not know or understand, as do most people.

Whether this reflects on intelligence, sanity, or other sentient qualities does not change the fact that my options are limited. You can call me slow, stupid, crazy, shameless, or any degrading terms to describe my inability to get through people for the most basic necessities to survive. My behaviors, which might appear abnormal to you, have been constantly adjusted to accomodate the constantly changing environment in order to pass through that hurdle.

The risk, which I found out only too late, is revealing my personal information, traits and behavior patterns to unknown parties with unknown intentions. In other word, the more I attempted to know in order not to lose connection to reality and relinguish control to my thoughts, emotions, and actions, the more I have revealed of myself to others, many of whom proved to be predatory and sadist in nature.

I have been hacked. I have been traumatized. I have been feared into silence. I have been dealing with the agony with my own coping mechanism. I have been an inconvenience to others due to the common perception of my coping mechanism as that of a degenerate sociopath, even though it harms absolutely nobody else. I have not acknowledged to be regarded as a victim. Not before there is an identifiable perpetrator of the crime. Not before I have exhausted last of energy and possible options to regain control over the very essentials.

Embarrassment in public and fear of future unwarranted assaults have brought along additional, sometimes truly unbearable anguish, but there exists far more damaging and unspeakable fear in play, and if there is anything left underneath this shell, I will not willingly put it in the hands of strangers, lose very little control I have over my life, and watch such acts of terror be justified as accustomed to be so.

I might never know the identity of the perpetrator. I might never get to undo the damages. I might never get to defend for myself. I might never get to keep such acts from being justified. I do not expect anything from anyone anymore. The chance of finding a workable solution from sources without is, realistically, close to zilch, and I am flying against the head-wind blindfolded.

Even if most people no longer believe in real, intangible threats to humanity, or just in me, I need to believe in something or someone, however far-fetched such belief appears to be, in order to keep the hope alive. I witnessed the crime. I heard the silence. I felt the terror. I know for certain that many others did as well.

I am looking for them because nobody else is willing or would know how to cease and care for the pain beyond words, when most are more and more skillful and eager to inflict onto the rest such excruciating pain. Suffering in silence is not a virtue or strength; you become the people who you despise the most.

This is part of a personified public record