Jcyf94's Blog

I still need to keep writing now because I am afraid.

I am desperately searching for inner strength, while being scorned as cowardly, shameless and incompetent.

All words and no action.

I might be soft-hearted, dim-witted, a simpleton and a plain dumb fuck,

but

I was named after the most famous dictator of the strongest empire ever,

and

my firm was named after the genocidal founder of the larest empire ever.

The DNA of a power-hungry dictator is hidden deep in my gene,

despite the fact that I appear naive, timid, over-protected, and weak-willed.

Underneath the identities of

an untested idealist,

an insecure humanitarian,

a wordy pseudo-intellectual, and

a terribly-shallow thinker with low ceiling,

when the situation urgently demands, I must believe,

I will force out the elements of

a ruthless, morally-bereft alpha, and

an apathetically blood-thirsty tyrant,

deeply buried within,

to withstand the unbearable pain,

to defend the unprotected domain,

to annihilate the unbeatable foes, and

to heal the unmendable wounds of my loved one.

I will find that inner strength, while still being scorned as cowardly, shameless and incompetent, but without having to use words to stimulate actions.

By then, I will not need to cling onto Macchiavelli, Clausewith, Sun-Tsu, or Nietzsche.

By then, I will not need to juice up my confidence with images, sounds, and words,

thus have to risk bearing endless shame and embarrassment in public.

By then, I will not need to rely on make-believe delusions to keep my hope alive.

By then,  I will not need to keep on writing,

but I will definitely keep on writing,

at last, no longer having any reasons to be afraid,

totally content of being a sub-par, awkward, and undisciplined writer.