Jcyf94's Blog

I have been extremely embarrassed for a long time.

Even though I have not done anything, in its essense, that I ought to be embarassed about, I am extremely embarrassed, but I have no choice but to let this be mad open in the public, knowing it would invite deeper embarrasement.

I have written things that were dictated by my ignorance, emotions, and biases, and I have been extremely embarrased by them after I had the chance to re-read them.  For a person who values his privacy and understands the power of words, I am especially embarrased by carelessly having divulging my private emotion and thoughts in the public arena, and have been occupied by efforts to correct such mistakes, only to worsen the situation.

I am not only embarrased, but humbled by having to acknowledge that not every mistakes, even with benign intention and utmost effort, can be corrected, and sometimes there is nothing a man can do but to stand prepared to withstand great shame and other inevitable consequences.

I have exhausted myself trying to shed the label of being a mere cautionary tale to others, and fancied that even in the most embarrasing circumstances I would find something within that could be valuable and useful to others, a list of dos and don’ts for example.  I believed foolishly that by providing enough volume of words, I would eventually be set free from the chain from the past that has haunted me, as embarrassing as it would appear.

At this moment, I also must state that I am in no place to speak, let alone offering any type of lessons or warnings.  Such wishful thinking indirectly implies that others are as incompetent as I was, thus would find my experiences useful.  I am not so narcissistic to ignore the fact that my weaknesses and incompetence attribute to no one else but me solely, and that realistically speaking, I have little to offer that is of any value to anyone.

It is embarrasing to have to admit the aforementioned to myself, let alone anyone else, but in order to stop embarrasing myself and my loved ones, I can think of nothing else that is more appropriate and necessary.

There is no painless way to end this properly.