Jcyf94's Blog

Someone will remind you by reopening the cut if you forget. Everyday. That is what I am feeling physically right now. That is why I am glued to this forsaken arena. That is how the suicide bombers are created. When the U.S. committed tortures with justification to evade the Geneva Convention, along with the Patriot Act and FISA, the pandora box has… opened. It virtually legalizes tortures worldwide, as the U.S. no longer holds the moral high ground in human rights. Whether or not the military-industrial complex is implicit in promoting the torture trade, countries with totalitarian or dictatorial background can comfortably go back to its reign of terror with impunity, while the private “defense contractors” or “intelligent services” are expanding their influences globalwise. You do not count on the next two military powers to uphold human right and the use of torture. I do not expect my country to do so, either. They use directed-energy weapons and zapped away any joyous memories I had remained. I did try very hard to be positive, but as I hid in my room for the past three years, in fear, in rage, in anxiety, in shame, not knowing the magnitude of terror that is to be bestowed upon me and possibly my parents, with my best friends missing or clearly under gag orders, there are no scars because I am still bleeding from the wounds. As a man, it is public humiliation to have to admit that I am physically and mentally fragile, but I cannot find other suitable and pain-killing remedy besides pills and writing. I use FB because there is no one I can tell my stories to. I can write, but I am under tremendous physical pain at this moments. I have had seen enough fear and horror in others’ silent expressions to know that the era of totalitarian terror might be back. I just did not know the magnitude of physical and psychological violence and disregard to human lives. I heard of that time, but I never imagined I would be targeted as if I had committed murder. Torture never really stopped ever. It is just done in secret. I am writing partially to manage the pain so I have some distraction. No. You do not forget the torture and you do not forget to get even, any means possible. That is the legacy of tortures. I cannot express myself as well as two years ago. I am bad, they say, using fear to make everything black and white, dumbing down a population by mass brain-washing. If I am bad, the people who are responsible for my damage is pure evil, in humanist term. I keep on looking for hope and they crush it one by one, with fear, with pain, with damages, with isolation. They have turned a pacifist into vengence-seeking psychopath. They have turned an optimist into a nihilist. They have turned an humanitarian idealist into a suicide bomber. There is no turning back. I will not let myself be tortured until completely incapacitated. Gotta build my bomb first.