Jcyf94's Blog

People see a wicked man in me; I see evil behind people who persecute my family and I. When the ultimate question morphed from “do you deserve to die” to “do you deserve to live” subtly, through embedded means, the only thing a normal person would think of is to make sure that you had enough within you to ensure you and your family deserve to li…ve, by any means necessary, after seeing the sudden rises of death, diseases, and friends missing in actions. Terror had planted its seeds within. What you forgot was that who the one asking the questions was and who determined whether you deserve to live or not. You thrived and thrived, trying to make up for what you miss, secluding yourself, afraid of unknown and ashamed of lack of achievement, hoping to determine ways to avert and weather the coming catastrophe, never doubting that all the efforts spent might evaporate in vacuum, never imagining that the question of whether you and your family deserve to live had already been predetermined before you were aware of the potential crisis. When you passed through a threshold of combination of fear and rage, what aided you to charge forward suddenly became your sole armor against fear, rage and humiliations. The more you learned, the deeper the hole it is that you found yourself in. You told yourself that if you could just weather the stir and persevered, the tortures would one day stop and all the works that you in would be worthwhile. You would not fear the threats to the security of your family and the chronically physical and mental tortures and daily death threats from unknown sources. I never intended to commit any fraudulent activity, break any law, or disrespect anyone, especially my parents and physicians. I am not a sociopath; I am not a criminal. Mostly, I am not amoral or delusional. I am handling lethal level of fear while still trying to struggle through malicious and vile intents to hang onto to hopes of keeping my life, my family, and my sanity intact. I live in constant terror as some would claim that justice is served. Where is my justice? Where is my family’s justice? I apologize for whatever damages I might have inadvertently caused to others; I never had any moral quandaries until I was repeatedly tortured and defamed publicly since I never intended to commit anything untoward. I do not cheat. I do not indulge in debauchery and hedonism. Instead, I for past five years have lived in worsening terrors and traumatic flashbacks caused by constant psychological and physical tortures, subtle but inhumane. That which I am accused of is the only mental protection against being terrorized to death or incapacitation. No one deserves such gruesome death over this. No one deserves having his family torn apart and murdered over this. I am not evil. We are not evil.