23 October 2012: Repeating Myself Because I Need Real Help

by jcyf94

I do not know why I am repeating myself.

I have written the same topic many times. I am tired of repeating myself, but I am deterioting fast and really do not know how much time I have before I am rendered defective enough to be expired. Whereas I had millions ideas and thoughts to express and millions tasks and goals to accomplish, and enjoyed tr…ying to use language to express concepts and sentiments precisely and aesthetically. I know I am losing it. I dread but no one could answer me whether I can fully recover from damages from repeated prolonged and intrusive assaults against which I cannot defend.

There are many sadists around the world, or at least in this Island for sure, who bully and even torture others. That is the social norm. Perpetrators tell their victms to keep quiet otherwise further retributions await. That is normal, too. They now can also actively discredit or even permanently disable their marks by subtle psychological methods which are evidentless, untraceble and free of responsibilities. It is probably had been done.

I have repeated such claims in the past and am currently suffering from such pain. I have ceased to expect any help to stop the torture and provide real recovery. I can only endure until I no longer can. I have little creditability. I want people to know that torture happens even in a wealthy, advanced and supposedly democratic region of the world without a whimper or notice.

I believe I am not the only one. It is not Syria, Uzbekistan or Bagram. I am not a dissident in a global conflict region. I am well-off and have resource to subsist myself and supposedly protect myself, but regardless the cause, I am the target of premeditated persecution. I had experienced it intensely for a long time and had to endure traumatic flashbacks of terror. It does not make sense to most, thus I am extra desperate because I cannot figure out the reason after combing through all possible motives why anyone/entity would have the incentive to do this to me.

I have been isolated for a long while and do not know whether this phenomenon is wild spread or unique to myself. I am wrong a lot, but I will not mistakenly “have an inaccurate sensation”. I might not know what causes such sensation, or possess the ability to use language to describe it precisely. but I can clearly distinguish the differences betwenn various type of sensations and discomforts.

It is not an illness despite my lack of evident creditability to prove so. The doctor cannot and will not help. They will probably tell you that you are over-stressed and over-concerned and dismiss your claim. They will probably tell you that you are psychotic, delusional or even schizophrenic, thus further ruin a perfectly normal person. They will probably tell you that you are an addict if the chronic, frequent yet unexpected senses of pain, fear, rage and despair that have been inflicted are altogether too intense and not humanly possible to withstand that you have no choice but to resort to any means possible and imaginable to keep yourself calm and stable enough from a complete and irreversible breakdown.

I will keep writing until it stops, or I am stopped. It has been my last resort for a while. I am desperate.