Jcyf94's Blog

It has been humiliating having to admit my weakness and incompetence. Some might even call me “pu**y” or “shameless” for sharing/crying for help in a public forum. I had already crossed the line of no return when I decided to do this. I used this platform as a substitute for my inner outlet of my chromnic frustration and anxiety when it is the most dangerous place to do so. I did not know until I had revealed too much and become a target of people or groups I might have offended or been coveted. I have been in isolation and have not found a way to break such isolation, since such isolation is both physical and mental and time had drifted me further apart from human contacts. Therefore, I lack knowledge of what had been bestowed upon me and who the penetrators have been.

I do not wish to whine and make myself a victim of sort, and I have not been clear in detailing exactly what happened. I have had a hard time doing this because I am not describing a single event, but the accumulation of various of occurances combined. I had endured the fear and kept what had happened to myself and concentrated on curbing the inner trauma so it did not affect my core life too much. By the time I decided to use this forum to ask for guidance, things have accumulated too much to describe it in a relevant and logical fashion, and all I could say before was that I was terrorized and tramatized, and that did not help me, and did not concern you, for you have no incentives to hear a grown man cry.

Now that I recognized my overall thinking and other brain functions are decaying, and there is pressure from outside to abandon my mental and physical health and let it deteriorate all at once, so “I can rebuild a new life.” One doctor’s note actually prescribes “re-education”. I probably do not know my body as well as professionals, but I know my mind and its status the best. From my writing, I know that I can no longer express myself as well as I did three years ago. Chronic fear, trauma, rage, helplessness, and other extreme emotions have taken their tolls. I have the urgency to piece the puzzles together as quickly as possible. I came to this realization after the professional whom I trusted for 10 years, knowing that I had suffered chronic emotional trauma, suggested that I ignore and keep silent the past and all associated memories which never stopped haunting me, and that my coping mechanism is the foremost problem and need to be dealt with.

By then, I had chill in my spine then utmost disappointment, confirming that I have been deceived, betrayed and discarded so someone could cover his reputation. I had two questions. What do I try to accomplish by letting others know about me and what I had been through? Is it worth the effort and time since I do not know how much time I have left before my mind gives in. I do not fully know. Right now anger and defiance against predetermined fate propelled me to revisit what I tried to gradually let go.

No one is evil, but I have witnessed so much evilness, not in the religious sense, from the top and from the bottom of the societal foodchain, that I have no choice but admit that whereas in certain areas of the world, life is priceless, in other areas, life is worthless. It has nothing to do with wealth or “civility”; it has everything to do with the most basic, non-politicalized notion of sanctity of life, and respect for humanity. Just because it is hidden does not mean evil deeds are not happening; I avert my eyes because I have no power to do anything about it.

You cannot spin an atrocity positively unless you force all others to think positively and ignore what is blatantly malicioius. I am saying this because I do still see hope ahead, however slim, and never did any blatantly malicious and intentionally harmful deeds to others as I am repeatedly beaten down and pushed further to the edge.

I regreted that erased my facebook profile from 2009 to 2011. That would solve many questions and connect many dots, but even though I bet that FB does keep records of deleted profiles and posts, it would not give it out out of curtacy. To set the truth straight, unfortunately, will not save me from the immediate crises.