Jcyf94's Blog

Things elemental yet life-sustaining, elements of society essential yet long-neglected, people with tremendous societal duty turned into puppets with means of life subsistence under constant threats, and decaying ethics euphemised as ingenuity, used to constantly occupy my minds, witnessing the downfall of a declining yet still functional civilization. I looked at myself and asked, “what is it I could do to turn things around?”. That was the spring of 2008. Concerned but full of energy and ideas.

Four years later, I no longer have the strength to care, as the crumbling of my concern manifests itself. Apathy becomes necessary as I no longer have the security to spend energy and time on outer issues. I neglected to tend to my own well-being and allowed the predators to take hold of my life and my family, with deceit and extortion. I had been hunted while still putting focus on issues that matter to me but have no direct impacts, until it was too late. I am temporarily spent emotionally and physically yet forced myself to run on empty. Matter of literal survival. I will spare the details.

They would frame my story as that of non-performing debts with diminishing utility rate and redemption value. I never regretted; I just lament while holding onto what is left of my consciousness.

I have no agenda or regard for my safety while I am writing at this moment. I just lay the facts out here. Regard me as a cautionary tale if you wish, or lament with me, not for me, but for this circumstance already mandated and framed.

Fucking conscience. Fucking isolation. Fucking disappointment after another. Fucking these past four years.