Jcyf94's Blog

九月一日，我的Glass-Steagall(sp?) Act: Separation of social network arena and private, or personal in network domain. I am resigned to the fact that battles to preserve personal privacy have been long lost, and I am waiting for that day in the future of “re-education”. Honest to God, that was an actual prescription to me by a breathing physician: re-educa…tion. It is no laughing matter, but I have to laugh.

(Two paragraphs were placed here and erased by a single touch. It was written when I just woke up and the mind was refreshed and full of new ideas. One fucking single touch. Good thing that I am too tired to throw a tantrum and my guns and rifles are locked away.)

Is it narcissism to want to preserve my own thoughts? I never regard myself as a writer, a thinker, or a genius of any sort. I simply want to know myself better and hold on to any chance for further self-improvement. I have passed the magical age of 35, and frankly frightened that I had reached my inner ceiling with the word potential rendered obsolete from now on.

因體重急增，我己知道薬物中可能有placibo在之間，希望只是安慰劑，而不是不想提到的「消滅害蟲」的徹底執行。我不知道別人是否認為我因為行為不檢、好逸惡勞、忤逆父母、喪盡天良而該殺。我一直訓練自己忽略把別人蓄意傷害自己的話語，但警覺對全家性命財產有惡意破壞企圖的行動及手段。我們全家身心都多少需要醫治及調整，而太多太多的人，忽然發現自己處在死亡、癌症、或失智的陰影，不論自己或親友，或是文宣中透露的變化。我因在香港經驗，了解到許多症狀疾病，人類或許尚無能力治瘉，但絶對有能力讓健康人生病。個人認為這不是空穴來風，無根無據的推論。

我三年半前，驚覺得事態不對的第一直覺是趕快組織一個private pharmaceutical testing lab, a private FDA apparatus to carry on the role of the guardian to the masses. 因直覺告訴我大禍將至，而當時已被現實封口，在猶豫如何尋人合作時，如何回答：為什麼，而誠實吿吿知個人直覺等於賭上自己被宣判paranoid delusion 的罪行，不論我的假設是否真正建立在合理的懷疑上。

正面思考已成為教條。我個人不是無意識的反教條，反權威，而是教條大眾化背後讓我懷疑的未知動機。我尊重依賴所以懷疑質問權威，但我痛恨懼怕所以鬥爭抵抗威權。現在再一次，我已完全透支，不得不質疑自己是否自不量力或瞎子摸象。

如果我們肯定已捲入了思想戰爭，（不是一般衝撃，是戰爭）我絶不會多一句質疑的廢話。但是，事實不是如此顯示，我的不信任和可能和現實有一定差距的「幻想」，本源來自資訊的缺乏；資訊爆炸直接後果為以個人角度，資訊的authenticity 和可信度總體的被compromised.

今早起來，忽然想到正面思想對自己有效的執行面過去沒想到的角度，但idea稍縱即逝，可能已被新思維沖走了。這是為什麼我似乎不停在寫的原因之一。

My incidents with lack of knowledge and awareness regarding my voluntary divulgence of private matters have shattered my reputation and made myself incapable of having a restful and rejuvenating recovery. I loath not able to remember and consolidate pieces of inner thoughts to make good use of them. I always have had problems expressing myself orally with clarity, precision, or just a structure with anything that fundamentally resembles organization.

I simply refuse to complain or give excuses, knowing my inner repulsions to my own complaints and deficiency. I learn to endure ridicules and search what works for me, so I can prove to others and myself that, again, I am flawed, but not delinquent. I can eventually be capable and functional enough to not only be an independent being, but fulfill the dream of upper mobility that appears to be a joke at this moment.

It is exactly 12:00 noon. You have no business or right to spend close to four hours writing. When people call you a loafer or trust-fund baby from now on, you do not get to defend from yourself. Intentions do not count in this world.

You are a bad writer, a shallow thinker, a pseudo-academics wannabe, and an incompetent worker on what you have been trained to do.

They are facts.

You are capable of abusing yourself. Do not ever give anyone the idea that you are vulnerable to abuses; do not even respond to anyone’s words emotionally. You want to start walking forward; they want to break your legs.

They are facts.

Do not make this morning’s work go to waste.