Jcyf94's Blog

Don’t you know it’s darkest before the dawn
And it’s this thought keeps me moving on

If we could heed these early warnings
The time is now quite early morning
If we could heed these early warnings
The time is now quite early morning

They say kindness and tenderness are for pussies and weaklings. They say I am so hateful that even my parents as well as I should be wiped off the face of the earth after enduring prolong mental tortures. I would rush to get it accomplish if I can figure out a way to protect my family and I; I might fail but there still is a chance. “Hyxen” is not …just a fad. I would kill without hesitation the people who wish to demolish us if I have the chance. I had made mistakes, but medicine is not one of them. If I want to make my parents free from worry, I should 1. Cut down on the medication. 2. Make mom and dad understand that the medication is not the main cause of my fears and worries, that people truly have no regard to our lives, and I am paranoid but not delusional. I am using Ritalin to control my fear that had been piling up for four years and had reached the limit a while ago. It is the only thing that would balance the extreme fear and panic, and many people do not want me to recover; they, by their words and deeds, want me die a terrible death, and might do that to my parents just for fun. They look at me as a criminal and the incarnation of evil thus must be destroyed. I am ashamed that I let myself and my parents be humiliated, framed, coerced and hurt physically. I have almost given up two days ago and exited. I will be permanently damaged if I go cold turkey, which I tried. People would prefer the options above for their deep hatred towards us, which I really have no clue, but nothing seems to be able to stop the plot to torture our family. I do not know how, and I am in exhaustion and am easily crushable, but I cannot give up and let the bastards dehumanize and torture my Mom, my Dad, and my Sister the same way different parties had done to me without trying my best to avert it.

1.我已經無法信任任何人 所以這是必要的

2.我已經走不動了 説不出話來 但隨時都可硬撐到倒

3.我必須負起保護家人安全和健康的責任 沒有其他人

4.我已經盡力但失敗  我不准認命失敗 我已經無力辯護自己

…

I have slight reservation to the word “Progressives”, so I still regard myself as a liberal, yet I am a Jefferson guy and after I had been through, I appreciate the essense of the Second Amendment. (I will never become an NRA member. The point is misuse of governmental power and the feeling of utter despair when under unwarranted assaults without m…eans of defense. 

I cannot accuse anyone. I did not expect anything. They have been done. I cannot condense three years of experiences, or even three specific days of Trauma, into languages. Nobody is going to believe, empathize, or help in any form. I am just trying to seek hope where there is none. There are psychological and physical tortures, they are intention…al, and they are ongoing. I just try to dig out the truth, and piece together what exactly happened. I was isolated from the outside world and I had learned my lessons when I told the truth earlier this year. I have to choose my words carefully, but when the attacks strike you, you do whatever you can to get relief from the pain and the terror. Facebook gives me a sense that there might be a slim hope that there is an end to the tortures, even though from memories of past 4 years, I have always been a target. This is a public forum. I would not ever mention much of the things I said were it not for excruciating fear, pain and hatred, that I am not able to defend myself against such type of tortures, gather evidence that such tortures happened and know the identity of my tormentors for certain. It happened in Hong Kong. It happened here in Taiwan. I am dying to point fingertowards who I think is guilty of such crime, but it is much more complicated than that, and I cannot trust anyone with details, especially here where information is bought and sold. When I say vendetta, it is no exaggeration because they targeted my parents as well and I am not capable to protect, or even comfort them. If you know the experiment of Learnt Helplessness, I am the dog and clearly deemed sub-human to the perpetrators as well. It will be a war of lifetime and there is no salvation. I have only my words, my sanity and my conscience. This is my last resort. The powerful are often sadistic and enjoy the suffering of their lesser. I heard enough stories since childhood to know what I am up against and I have no choice. Human lives are expendable anywhere.

Someone will remind you by reopening the cut if you forget. Everyday. That is what I am feeling physically right now. That is why I am glued to this forsaken arena. That is how the suicide bombers are created. When the U.S. committed tortures with justification to evade the Geneva Convention, along with the Patriot Act and FISA, the pandora box has… opened. It virtually legalizes tortures worldwide, as the U.S. no longer holds the moral high ground in human rights. Whether or not the military-industrial complex is implicit in promoting the torture trade, countries with totalitarian or dictatorial background can comfortably go back to its reign of terror with impunity, while the private “defense contractors” or “intelligent services” are expanding their influences globalwise. You do not count on the next two military powers to uphold human right and the use of torture. I do not expect my country to do so, either. They use directed-energy weapons and zapped away any joyous memories I had remained. I did try very hard to be positive, but as I hid in my room for the past three years, in fear, in rage, in anxiety, in shame, not knowing the magnitude of terror that is to be bestowed upon me and possibly my parents, with my best friends missing or clearly under gag orders, there are no scars because I am still bleeding from the wounds. As a man, it is public humiliation to have to admit that I am physically and mentally fragile, but I cannot find other suitable and pain-killing remedy besides pills and writing. I use FB because there is no one I can tell my stories to. I can write, but I am under tremendous physical pain at this moments. I have had seen enough fear and horror in others’ silent expressions to know that the era of totalitarian terror might be back. I just did not know the magnitude of physical and psychological violence and disregard to human lives. I heard of that time, but I never imagined I would be targeted as if I had committed murder. Torture never really stopped ever. It is just done in secret. I am writing partially to manage the pain so I have some distraction. No. You do not forget the torture and you do not forget to get even, any means possible. That is the legacy of tortures. I cannot express myself as well as two years ago. I am bad, they say, using fear to make everything black and white, dumbing down a population by mass brain-washing. If I am bad, the people who are responsible for my damage is pure evil, in humanist term. I keep on looking for hope and they crush it one by one, with fear, with pain, with damages, with isolation. They have turned a pacifist into vengence-seeking psychopath. They have turned an optimist into a nihilist. They have turned an humanitarian idealist into a suicide bomber. There is no turning back. I will not let myself be tortured until completely incapacitated. Gotta build my bomb first.

I start to understand how the dynamics between frienemies work. I was and still is a prey to all parties, but I did not anticipate 5 years of lead-time crumbling that fast, though the market dominace is well-establish so far.

I need to upgrade from a atom-processor based machine for over a year. I have been staring at a MacBook Pro during the wh…ole time. Somehow, my gut says no, my desire says yes, and my rational function of the brain does not have enough reliable information to cast doubts and make a final decision.

Covert Wars on Civilians on all conceivable fronts based primarily on the Orwellian surveilance network.

Predatory Exploitation of the Learnt over the Unlearnt will not be stopped but secretly encouraged.

Discrepancy between the Haves and Have-Nots: Not wealth but access to knowledges.

Gradual Implementation of Social Darwinism as Compliance Standa…rd hastens the dehumanization process.

Tolerating intolerance is, and always has been a dilemma itself, theoretically and realistically.

How far does moral relativism in the name of cutural diversity have to go before we reach the point of human right violation, however insignificant?

How do you counter the blatant act of hypocricy where tolerance is openly taught but intolerance is sub…tly encouraged to ther point where brutality against targeted individuals becomes generally tolerated.

…seems to have been too late at this time to adapt to life under autocracy, aristocracy and meritocracy, allegedly, especially the constant sccumulating distress and sudden debilitating trauma in real value that I must be aware of at all time. What people deem to be the core of my problems is in fact the very few relief and safety net for my curr…ent status quo.