Jcyf94's Blog

The perpetrators are going to force the pain and damages upon you until you are feared into silence and obedience. Further pain and damages might continue, but by then nobody knows, remembers, or cares, and you would become accustomed to periodical physical and mental abuses without a sound.

That is the unconditional surrender to power of tortures and despair that comes with it. If you still have strength within, you say out load that tortures are wrong, whether visible or not. You reject despair with your last breath because you witness and remember despair, as painful your body is and exhausted your mind at this point.

一蕾玫瑰一欉花　雖然枯焦無反悔　等後何時南風過　紗窗外面滿埕花

伊是永遠的玫瑰花　企起逐人的心肝底

濟蕾玫瑰濟欉花　春天若到著哺芽　南風對頭頂吹過　玫瑰逐欉攏開花

裀是台灣種的玫瑰花　生佇島嶼的高山賈平地

生佇咱FORMOSA的四界　佇美麗島上四界生

一蕾玫瑰一欉花　玫瑰花阿　永遠的玫瑰花　玫瑰花　玫瑰花　玫瑰花

一蕾玫瑰　一欉玫瑰　永遠的　永遠的　永遠的　永遠的

(構想自楊逵小說「壓不扁的玫瑰」)

作詞：林良哲

作曲：朱約信

• I WILL MAINTAIN by all the means in my power, the honour and the noble traditions of the medical profession;
• MY COLLEAGUES will be my sisters and brothers;
• I WILL NOT PERMIT considerations of age, disease or disability, creed, ethnic origin, gender, nationality, political affiliation, race, sexual orientation, social standing or any other factor to intervene between my duty and my patient;
• I WILL MAINTAIN the utmost respect for human life;
• I WILL NOT USE my medical knowledge to violate human rights and civil liberties, even under threat;
• I MAKE THESE PROMISES solemnly, freely and upon my honour.

I have felt overwhelmed and exhausted for long time. I do not mean to whine over here but sometimes when you find yourself deteriorating and regressing rapidly when you need more capacity to deal with what needs to be handled, you find this external energy and stabilizing strength to deal with what is absolutely impossible to face emotionally and psychologically. It gets you through another day without a total collapse.

I am at loss with words regarding the amount of energy I had wasted on worries and solutions. I am long burnt out, but must keep fixing myself. I am really looking for the ability to cry just once. It is unmanly and supposedly lacks self respect to admit to the limit of your inner strength. I just did. If you can handle what I have to deal with and teach me about it, you will earn my utmost respect.

My problems are known over the town, apparently. It is just no one is willing to confirm my long-held suspicion.

When you delete it, you lose the ownership of your own words. If you forget and it is insignificant, you are fine. If you recognize it but forget the context, be forewarned. People will, and did think of ways unimaginable to go after you for reasons unbeknownst to you, or only to you. I might be the last to record this down, even though it happened three years ago and the psychological repercussions only intensify to unbearable magnitude.

You never know who is out to get you and who you have offended. Unfortunately, I have inadvertently revealed too much of myself to have a chance to be immuned from future assaults. You can treat it as a rumour or you can start figure out, then teach the prudent way of using social media. It is trendy to kick a person when he is down, or hurl vicious insults to hurt a stranger for pleasure. Try show your scars to help a fellow man/woman; I would have helped me tremendously.

Have a heart. Inform someone who might still have a chance.

It has been humiliating having to admit my weakness and incompetence. Some might even call me “pu**y” or “shameless” for sharing/crying for help in a public forum. I had already crossed the line of no return when I decided to do this. I used this platform as a substitute for my inner outlet of my chromnic frustration and anxiety when it is the most dangerous place to do so. I did not know until I had revealed too much and become a target of people or groups I might have offended or been coveted. I have been in isolation and have not found a way to break such isolation, since such isolation is both physical and mental and time had drifted me further apart from human contacts. Therefore, I lack knowledge of what had been bestowed upon me and who the penetrators have been.

I do not wish to whine and make myself a victim of sort, and I have not been clear in detailing exactly what happened. I have had a hard time doing this because I am not describing a single event, but the accumulation of various of occurances combined. I had endured the fear and kept what had happened to myself and concentrated on curbing the inner trauma so it did not affect my core life too much. By the time I decided to use this forum to ask for guidance, things have accumulated too much to describe it in a relevant and logical fashion, and all I could say before was that I was terrorized and tramatized, and that did not help me, and did not concern you, for you have no incentives to hear a grown man cry.

Now that I recognized my overall thinking and other brain functions are decaying, and there is pressure from outside to abandon my mental and physical health and let it deteriorate all at once, so “I can rebuild a new life.” One doctor’s note actually prescribes “re-education”. I probably do not know my body as well as professionals, but I know my mind and its status the best. From my writing, I know that I can no longer express myself as well as I did three years ago. Chronic fear, trauma, rage, helplessness, and other extreme emotions have taken their tolls. I have the urgency to piece the puzzles together as quickly as possible. I came to this realization after the professional whom I trusted for 10 years, knowing that I had suffered chronic emotional trauma, suggested that I ignore and keep silent the past and all associated memories which never stopped haunting me, and that my coping mechanism is the foremost problem and need to be dealt with.

By then, I had chill in my spine then utmost disappointment, confirming that I have been deceived, betrayed and discarded so someone could cover his reputation. I had two questions. What do I try to accomplish by letting others know about me and what I had been through? Is it worth the effort and time since I do not know how much time I have left before my mind gives in. I do not fully know. Right now anger and defiance against predetermined fate propelled me to revisit what I tried to gradually let go.

No one is evil, but I have witnessed so much evilness, not in the religious sense, from the top and from the bottom of the societal foodchain, that I have no choice but admit that whereas in certain areas of the world, life is priceless, in other areas, life is worthless. It has nothing to do with wealth or “civility”; it has everything to do with the most basic, non-politicalized notion of sanctity of life, and respect for humanity. Just because it is hidden does not mean evil deeds are not happening; I avert my eyes because I have no power to do anything about it.

You cannot spin an atrocity positively unless you force all others to think positively and ignore what is blatantly malicioius. I am saying this because I do still see hope ahead, however slim, and never did any blatantly malicious and intentionally harmful deeds to others as I am repeatedly beaten down and pushed further to the edge.

I regreted that erased my facebook profile from 2009 to 2011. That would solve many questions and connect many dots, but even though I bet that FB does keep records of deleted profiles and posts, it would not give it out out of curtacy. To set the truth straight, unfortunately, will not save me from the immediate crises.

There are many sadists around the world, or at least in this Island for sure, who bully and even torture others. That is the social norm. Perpetrators tell their victms to keep quiet otherwise further retributions await. That is normal, too. They now can also actively discredit or even permanently disable their marks by subtle psychological methods which are evidentless, untraceble and free of responsibilities. It is probably had been done.

I have repeated such claims in the past and am currently suffering from such pain. I have ceased to expect any help to stop the torture and provide real recovery. I can only endure until I no longer can. I have little creditability. I want people to know that torture happens even in a wealthy, advanced and supposedly democratic region of the world without a whimper or notice.

I believe I am not the only one. It is not Syria, Uzbekistan or Bagram. I am not a dissident in a global conflict region. I am well-off and have resource to subsist myself and supposedly protect myself, but regardless the cause, I am the target of premeditated persecution. I had experienced it intensely for a long time and had to endure traumatic flashbacks of terror. It does not make sense to most, thus I am extra desperate because I cannot figure out the reason after combing through all possible motives why anyone/entity would have the incentive to do this to me.

I have been isolated for a long while and do not know whether this phenomenon is wild spread or unique to myself. I am wrong a lot, but I will not mistakenly “have an inaccurate sensation”. I might not know what causes such sensation, or possess the ability to use language to describe it precisely. but I can clearly distinguish the differences betwenn various type of sensations and discomforts.

It is not an illness despite my lack of evident creditability to prove so. The doctor cannot and will not help. They will probably tell you that you are over-stressed and over-concerned and dismiss your claim. They will probably tell you that you are psychotic, delusional or even schizophrenic, thus further ruin a perfectly normal person. They will probably tell you that you are an addict if the chronic, frequent yet unexpected senses of pain, fear, rage and despair that have been inflicted are altogether too intense and not humanly possible to withstand that you have no choice but to resort to any means possible and imaginable to keep yourself calm and stable enough from a complete and irreversible breakdown.

I will keep writing until it stops, or I am stopped. It has been my last resort for a while. I am desperate.

They did their best to have kept me away from people, places and conditions that were trained, constructed and designed to destroy the core of human spirits that was once an healthy, wholesome and unshattered entity as meant to be.

Many advocates and executioners insist that inhumane and unreasonable goals and demands, along with terror-driven and trauma-inducing nature of environment serve to strengthen character, install discipline, develop manhood and integrate obedience as the central fabric of society. What is left unspoken yet obvious to most, that always remains truly the most essential functions.

They consists of:

• To sustain the legitimacy of people on the top of societal hierachy by ironfisting controlling power over the thoughts, behaviors, and even lives of docile masses with wealth as both carrots and sticks. .
• To purge thoroughly people who:

1. Even being institutionalized with intense re-education enforcement, fail in timely fashion to adapt, adjust, and atone to the new normal.
2. Are perceived to be physically, psychologically and behaviorally outliers that are assigned to be socially delinquent, equivalent in the new era to pathological bacteria, necessay to exterminated incrementally and thoroughly, to maintain the appearance of somatic harmony, paving the path to another Great Leap Forward to finally achievei the irreversible transformation towards univerally standardized socialization with permanent peace in sight.

• To identify and neutralize potential threats to the Authority, focusing on ones with tendencies to

1. express opinions or facts with potential to foster unrestrainted and unsanitized thoughts and behaviors,
2. ask excessive questions with unidentifiable motives, and
3. contemplate acts of defiance with feeling of contempt carefully concealed.

People laugh when I activel root against my self-interest. They said it is a sign of being too comfortable with life and too bored that I started to look for troubles. The solution is to cut off my financial support and to scare me straight using various of pain-inflicting and fear-inducing techniques, then I will appreciate what I have and fall in line with the rest.

I do not root against my self-interest. I do not live a debaucherous life. I do not seek to trouble anyone. I do not ever take what I have for granted. I do not despise work and hope to God I can quickly recover so I can do my job ASAP. t I do not need to be straightened out. I do not need to be scared into obedience.

Now, I have seen my parents betrayed and humiliated needlessly by unsavory “friends”. I have periodically had to suffer from untimely physical pain. I have continuously had to deal with trauma from chronically induced fear. I have lost my basic functions of subsistence without anyone’s knowledge for fear of permanent involuntary incarciration sanction by government on medical ground.

I mistakenly thought if I had achieved something worthwhile, people would kinow I took thier threats and coercions seriously. I was still eager to prove I have always strive to improve myself. The treatments I received are used against the enemy of the state. I realized too late that those people never had my best interest in mind and that they had no reason to see my betterments. What I thought was a foreign plot to use me as an example to showcxase their mights that they can get to anyone with such ruthlessness turned out to be more than that. People, some of who watched me grow up, held the similar contempt against me and used it to target my parents. Now I have no one to turn to whom I can trust.

Those people said I deserve all these. Those people said my parents deserve all these. Maybe I cannot triumph over thier mights and brutality. I am now keeping my silence and accept the only lesson I learnt from all these: Wealth and power are the basis for the ethics and morality in this land. That is the very traditional value I never got to fully comprehend until I became the sacrificial lamb.

This is my story, I end everything here here.