Jcyf94's Blog

九月一日，我的Glass-Steagall(sp?) Act: Separation of social network arena and private, or personal in network domain. I am resigned to the fact that battles to preserve personal privacy have been long lost, and I am waiting for that day in the future of “re-education”. Honest to God, that was an actual prescription to me by a breathing physician: re-educa…tion. It is no laughing matter, but I have to laugh.

(Two paragraphs were placed here and erased by a single touch. It was written when I just woke up and the mind was refreshed and full of new ideas. One fucking single touch. Good thing that I am too tired to throw a tantrum and my guns and rifles are locked away.)

Is it narcissism to want to preserve my own thoughts? I never regard myself as a writer, a thinker, or a genius of any sort. I simply want to know myself better and hold on to any chance for further self-improvement. I have passed the magical age of 35, and frankly frightened that I had reached my inner ceiling with the word potential rendered obsolete from now on.

因體重急增，我己知道薬物中可能有placibo在之間，希望只是安慰劑，而不是不想提到的「消滅害蟲」的徹底執行。我不知道別人是否認為我因為行為不檢、好逸惡勞、忤逆父母、喪盡天良而該殺。我一直訓練自己忽略把別人蓄意傷害自己的話語，但警覺對全家性命財產有惡意破壞企圖的行動及手段。我們全家身心都多少需要醫治及調整，而太多太多的人，忽然發現自己處在死亡、癌症、或失智的陰影，不論自己或親友，或是文宣中透露的變化。我因在香港經驗，了解到許多症狀疾病，人類或許尚無能力治瘉，但絶對有能力讓健康人生病。個人認為這不是空穴來風，無根無據的推論。

我三年半前，驚覺得事態不對的第一直覺是趕快組織一個private pharmaceutical testing lab, a private FDA apparatus to carry on the role of the guardian to the masses. 因直覺告訴我大禍將至，而當時已被現實封口，在猶豫如何尋人合作時，如何回答：為什麼，而誠實吿吿知個人直覺等於賭上自己被宣判paranoid delusion 的罪行，不論我的假設是否真正建立在合理的懷疑上。

正面思考已成為教條。我個人不是無意識的反教條，反權威，而是教條大眾化背後讓我懷疑的未知動機。我尊重依賴所以懷疑質問權威，但我痛恨懼怕所以鬥爭抵抗威權。現在再一次，我已完全透支，不得不質疑自己是否自不量力或瞎子摸象。

如果我們肯定已捲入了思想戰爭，（不是一般衝撃，是戰爭）我絶不會多一句質疑的廢話。但是，事實不是如此顯示，我的不信任和可能和現實有一定差距的「幻想」，本源來自資訊的缺乏；資訊爆炸直接後果為以個人角度，資訊的authenticity 和可信度總體的被compromised.

今早起來，忽然想到正面思想對自己有效的執行面過去沒想到的角度，但idea稍縱即逝，可能已被新思維沖走了。這是為什麼我似乎不停在寫的原因之一。

My incidents with lack of knowledge and awareness regarding my voluntary divulgence of private matters have shattered my reputation and made myself incapable of having a restful and rejuvenating recovery. I loath not able to remember and consolidate pieces of inner thoughts to make good use of them. I always have had problems expressing myself orally with clarity, precision, or just a structure with anything that fundamentally resembles organization.

I simply refuse to complain or give excuses, knowing my inner repulsions to my own complaints and deficiency. I learn to endure ridicules and search what works for me, so I can prove to others and myself that, again, I am flawed, but not delinquent. I can eventually be capable and functional enough to not only be an independent being, but fulfill the dream of upper mobility that appears to be a joke at this moment.

It is exactly 12:00 noon. You have no business or right to spend close to four hours writing. When people call you a loafer or trust-fund baby from now on, you do not get to defend from yourself. Intentions do not count in this world.

You are a bad writer, a shallow thinker, a pseudo-academics wannabe, and an incompetent worker on what you have been trained to do.

They are facts.

You are capable of abusing yourself. Do not ever give anyone the idea that you are vulnerable to abuses; do not even respond to anyone’s words emotionally. You want to start walking forward; they want to break your legs.

They are facts.

Do not make this morning’s work go to waste.

This is regarding a previous comment to posts by Shu Xi, a performing artist in motion picture, regarding the accelerating pandemic of prevalent dehumanization movement.

What I meant was that show biz, behind the glamour and glitter, is as cutthroat and frightening a place as any others, if not more so.

I meant absolutely no slight, but I do not get …to explain and edit myself in daily life, don’t I?

Intentions do matter.
Processes do matter.
Results do matter.
Consequences do matter.

Characters do matter.
Capabilities do matter.
Words do matter. …
Perceptions do matter.

Kindness does matter.
Decency does matter.
Resilience does matter.
Hope does matter.

I am deeply flawed. It is not my place to tell others what really matter in their lives. No one responds well to preachy and empty dogma. I know only why and how things matter from my own personal experiences.

I do not expect others would respond to what I hope some of them would. I record what matter to myself in a public domains because things I wrote down would be either ignored, misinterpreted, or by luck ingrained in a corner of the memory bank of a person either from my past or unbeknownst to me. It is a risk that is worth taking; isolation is no way to live.

It is to me more essential to speak to the converted, people who exist, have gone to the trials and tribulations personal only to himself and have reached the similar places to where I have been at at this moment.

More intelligent people might understand in further depth and know how to approach what I have trying to do with more elegance and efficacy. I am not as smart; I can only manage the best I know how within my capacity.

That is one thing that matters and I hope I have done justice to it. People do matter. I still stand by it.

Being an idiot’s parents is not easy, especially if the idiot had been perceived as some sort of protegy fugure since he was a child. The culture I grew up with and live in now would have people concluding the following: it is a karma thing. The parents must have done things so devious that they deserve whatever it is that is coming to them, regardl…ess the truth. The idiot , who was perceived as gifted but “arrogant”, became an idiot because he must have disobey whatever that is he should have obeyed and defied whoever it is that he should have volunteered to be submitted. That is how I undertand the culture in which I grew up with. The responsibility to the misfortunes and ill fates falls completely on the shoulders of the family; it has nothing to do with human factors but only devine interventions.

Many think that I said what I said and did what I did because I do not know what it is like to fear.  Thus, they have attempted to fear me into submission, maybe just for kicks.

I know fear, at least I think I know fear. In fact, I know it too well to know that things can always get worse when you think it cannot get any worse, and that what appear…s on the surface is far from sufficient enough for anyone to even begin to comprehend the magnitude of what is being concealed beneath the surface. 

1. Never ever get left behind again and again.
2. Never ever get isolated again and again.
3. Never ever get manipulated again and again.
4. Never ever get betrayed again and again.
5. Never ever get humiliated again and again.
6. Never ever get scapegoated again and again.
7. Never ever get used to fear, hatred, despair and paralysis, ever.
8. Never ever get used to shocks, thr…eats, tortures, and violence, ever.
9. Never ever get used to being exhausted, wounded and powerless, ever.
10. Never ever get used to giving up hopes for self and others, ever.
11. Never ever get used to life void of love, kindness and mercy, ever.
12. Never ever get used to watching your family being persecuted, ever.

Information are bought & sold. If one can bet on anything, why not privacy? We are all hacked one way or another. Why not human life? Financial products are subject to interpretations, and if you are armed with lawyers, you get to solidify your interpretations. Why not human life? Speculating on human lives, bundling human lives into derivatives, a…nd extract values out of human lives, as long as O…TC markets are off the hand of regulators, think of the evolutionary effects and innovation acceleration, for no one wants to have his life betted on and lose his liberty permanently. You learn to strike others preemptively & control the less informed so you have control over your human investment, whether you stand on the long side or short side. Slavery is of the same mentality: capture, dehumanize, and torture into absolute obedience. Except, your death worth much more than your productivity. Human lives are the most abundant economic resources in the world. There already have been enough pioneers with spirits of ingenuity to see the potentials of controlling and commoditize human lives with least opportunity or sunk costs. As long as OTC markets stay out of regulators’ anti-competitive meddling, people with elite status not only could find another alternative stream of profit while gradually cleansing the indesireable aspects of society, bundles after bundles, no longer having to deal with ungodly sights of poverty, numbness and ignorance and unpleasant noise of human right, tyranny or inequality. There is finally a market solution to societal pathology, growth stagnation, and overpopulation of the sub-species. Finally, the entitlement problem will have the focus switch from the well-breed superior core of the cvilization to deficiency-ridden inferior burden of the society. You open the door to human commoditization, the private proprietory technology will take care of nuisances like humanity, ethics, or unresolved thoughts and behaviors. By then, can we truly establish a perfect market and an unfettered capitalist system in its purity with the invisible hand truly serving its optimal function.

What if it is not what I do, but who I am, that people consider to have pathological impacts to the society.

What if the way I have been trying to push myself in desperation appears to be just an excuse to others.

What if lessons I have learnt contradict with my outlook to life, people and myself at the most fundamental level.

What if history repeats… itself and I have no say over what is likely about to take place.

Emotional pains exist. People whose emotion is dead will think that emotional pains are sorry excuses for pussies, pantsies and weaklings. They will questioon your manhood and sanity, and insult your family and friends. Emotional pains are as intense as physical pain, but I will never expect people who do not understand to understand. I will treat the pains my way and anticipate any a…ttempts to take advantage of my conditions. I cannot afford to be paralyzed by emotional and physical pains any longer. I need to keep my control and stop the pain, but I am not able to trust others anymore and I expect others not only never to trust and believe me, but always to avoid and despise me. I would never succeed, but would never accept failures. Now failure to force myself to regain as fast as possible the most basic competency and ability to act means failure to counter the present threats. Failure to protect my family means failure to keep myself alive. Keep telling people it is another excuse and calling me a cheat and a degenerate. Keep threaten me and insult me. There are worst things that can be done to guarantee my immediate and permanent demise, and I have no control over it. Keep telling me I am lazy, bored and pretending, like many others who can no longer defend themselves. Whoever had disabled me mentally and never has the balls to claim his legact of brutal crimes against me and my family, it is your choice to decide my fate. It is life and death situation for me and I will never surrender my life to you willingly. You have to kill me yourself.

There are different forms of violence and means of torture.

In a civilized & functional society, physical tortures are universally condemned thus easy to stop. Psychological tortures, however, are easily staged & executed without a trace of evidence. A person can be “hacked” as a computer, except human thought process is far more complex than a CPU, if not more powerful. You hack a machine, and damages and recovery rates are quantifiable given enough time; it is either fixable or beyond repair. You hack a person’s mind, you GUARANTEE unknown scale of damages, visible & invisible, in the short run & the long run.

The motives behind such tortures do not matter at this point: boredom, anger, fear, coercion, sadism, profit, or pure thrill of absolute power. Two things are for certain. One, the perpetrators have no regard to the targets’ lives or well-beings, as the target is valued the same as a piece of machinaries or even less. Knowing the potential damages of psychological tortures had proved to make zero difference to the perpetrators.

This leads to the second certain facts behind such act. It leaves no evidences and cannot be proven with scientific method, therefore the perpetrators can remain hidden in complete anonymity under broad daylight. We are dealing with a person’s emotions and thoughts and in no way close to making sense of exact inner working of a person’s brain at this moment. For example, we know bullying causes lasting damages to a child’s psyche but we do not have a clue how to heal the damages.

One of only ways to deal with it is to stop bullying from happening by force and to imply that the victims of bullying weak-minded in need of special counsel. The hassle-free and simpler way is to blame the victims as equally responsible and profile both troublemakers while putting efforts to fear both parties into silence and keep any similar incidences under the radar.

I grew up under such mentality and used to interpret it as culture-specific until it is too late for me to realize that such mentality is universal and historic. I should have been content with not growing up in an environment encouraging and glorifying bullying and tortures as symbols of strength and evolution. Because of the two abovementioned characteristics of psychological tortures, it is an area where no perpetrators can be stopped and no victims can be spared and rescued. You do not dictate the circumstances; some dictators do.

Knowing what I know, I understand for people who suffer from bullying or tortures under today’s climate, it is precisely the situation without possible help from outside world, i.e., every man for himself. You try to look for people who have suffered and have not been broken and given in to despair and figured things out together, while thinking of any means possible to keep yourself from drowning alone, without a sound, without hope. You cannot count on anything or anyone but yourself.

My understanding of reality depends on me being able to communicate with people and interpret my observations of the environment in the proper context. To comprehend and respond to a message, a signal or anything that provide meanings, under normal condition, do not require extra efforts because regardless what language a person speak, there is a baseline, a commonality shared by most people that does not require thinking. I either understand or I do not; I cannot think my way out of what I do not know or understand, as do most people.

Whether this reflects on intelligence, sanity, or other sentient qualities does not change the fact that my options are limited. You can call me slow, stupid, crazy, shameless, or any degrading terms to describe my inability to get through people for the most basic necessities to survive. My behaviors, which might appear abnormal to you, have been constantly adjusted to accomodate the constantly changing environment in order to pass through that hurdle.

The risk, which I found out only too late, is revealing my personal information, traits and behavior patterns to unknown parties with unknown intentions. In other word, the more I attempted to know in order not to lose connection to reality and relinguish control to my thoughts, emotions, and actions, the more I have revealed of myself to others, many of whom proved to be predatory and sadist in nature.

I have been hacked. I have been traumatized. I have been feared into silence. I have been dealing with the agony with my own coping mechanism. I have been an inconvenience to others due to the common perception of my coping mechanism as that of a degenerate sociopath, even though it harms absolutely nobody else. I have not acknowledged to be regarded as a victim. Not before there is an identifiable perpetrator of the crime. Not before I have exhausted last of energy and possible options to regain control over the very essentials.

Embarrassment in public and fear of future unwarranted assaults have brought along additional, sometimes truly unbearable anguish, but there exists far more damaging and unspeakable fear in play, and if there is anything left underneath this shell, I will not willingly put it in the hands of strangers, lose very little control I have over my life, and watch such acts of terror be justified as accustomed to be so.

I might never know the identity of the perpetrator. I might never get to undo the damages. I might never get to defend for myself. I might never get to keep such acts from being justified. I do not expect anything from anyone anymore. The chance of finding a workable solution from sources without is, realistically, close to zilch, and I am flying against the head-wind blindfolded.

Even if most people no longer believe in real, intangible threats to humanity, or just in me, I need to believe in something or someone, however far-fetched such belief appears to be, in order to keep the hope alive. I witnessed the crime. I heard the silence. I felt the terror. I know for certain that many others did as well.

I am looking for them because nobody else is willing or would know how to cease and care for the pain beyond words, when most are more and more skillful and eager to inflict onto the rest such excruciating pain. Suffering in silence is not a virtue or strength; you become the people who you despise the most.

This is part of a personified public record