Jcyf94's Blog

When you are put under surveilance and have your every behavior broadcasted to people with identity and quantity unknown, you are essentially imprisoned by people who have access to such technology. You may or may not know its pesence; if you know, you or any normal people will first trying to evade it. If it is not possible, you try to find people with similar plight to figure ways to cope with it. If no one can be found, you learn to endure the chronic psychological torture. If you cannot endure it any more, you record it but never ever would admit the torture in definite terms. If you carelessly present it as truth without evidences or witnesses, say you lie for fun and apologize. 

You never ever expect anyone to believe you are sincere. There are assumptions people made about yourself that will never alter. 

The damage done is forever. It has got nothing to do with being right or wrong. 

I am a slow and dull person, but I know what some people are capable of.

There are people who you want to scream, “Fuck you! If you are trying to destroy my life, my sanity and my lovelihood for your entertainment, you are going to regret, even I am buried under my grave.” But I do not know who to scream to, or rather, there are too many people and entities that I want to curse to. 

There are people who you want to thank, simply for saving my life, helping me when I am being dragged down, and encouraging me to stay standing when the assaults come. But I do not know who to thank to because they come like a breeze through my mind. 

There are people who through fear and uncertainty installed deep-rooted terrors and hatred in my soul, and I have learned to disguise such terrors and hatred in daily lives. I want these people to suffer deeply the way I suffered, but I do not know who they are and I do not have he knowledge and means to make these people suffer. 

There are people who try to persuade me to forgive. There is no forgiving when people are still going after your life, sanity and livelihood. When the assaults stop, I do not think about forgiveness. I think about the way to counter the assaults when next time people attack me. Yes, there are people whom I need to ask for their forgiveness, but not the enemies and predators who had dehumanized me. 

When I think about certain pasts in which I was brutally assaulted physically and psychologically, I repeat myself, because that is the only way I can cope with everything that has happened to me. 

你們已經失去基本的人格你們已經失去僅存的信任

你們已經失去恐懼的力量

你們已經失去施虐的功能

你們已經失去惡意的絕望

你們已經失去羞辱的動機

你們已經失去監視的目的

你們已經重燃復仇的決心
If you are hungry, eat. 

If you are thirsty, drink. 

If you are tired, rest. 

If you are sick, heal. 

If you are wronged, right the wrong. 

If you are attacked, fend the attack. 

If you are confused, find a compass, 

If you are in danger, seek a refuge. 
On paper, things are not supposed to appear that difficult.

Am I a lunatic? 
Am I losing grips with reality? 
Am I Truly being put under surveillance? 

Am I having my privacy completely stripped off still after 3+ years? 

Am I the cancer to the society, as stated by the media, the government, and seemedly majority of the society? 

Do people just blame everything on my supposed delinquency? 

Are there really people out actively trying to get us, knowing that I am in deep rage and paranoia, and have absolutely legitimate and ample reasons to feel this way? 

Am I worthy to live? 

Are my parents worthy to live? 

Are we no longer in position to determine the worthiness of our lives and our sanity? 

Am I capable of combatting and winning against the force so powerful that it has rendered me motionless and paralyzed, with only hatred and hope as my sole life supports? 

Is this my last resort to regain the control to my life subsistence? 

Are all these my fault and my fault solely? 

Is this just an entertainment to you to watch me and my family struggle for survival? 

Am I a lunatic?

What you don’t know could kill you. What you know could kill you. 

Basically to prevent people from killing you, you need to know certain things and must not know certain things, unless you know enough or don’t know enough to kill the ones who try to kill you. 

That makes all aforementioned extremely redundant. 

It is O.K. For now. I am taking a dump. I am learning to take linguistic games and psychological maneuvers as dumps. For five minutes, I get to vent in what is supposed to be a private place.

So much time is wasted on reaction to people’s attacks and condescensions that had prevented me to be a free man. No more. 

It is likely that I will be going to die a horrible death, so I do not have much time left. 

I write a lot, but I am not a writer. 

I feel exactly the same way about my situation exactly three years ago. It is not the chemical because I Have not taken the medication that supposedly cause me to feel that way for six months and half. 

Every problem has its solution. It is just the case thatI have worked it out by myself. I seem to be others’ problem and that itself is my biggest problem because they have tried for five years trying to rid this problem that is me. 

現在不能說不知道以暴制暴是社會常態，要避免父母被「親朋好友」慢性謀殺，只有go directly to the sources of death threats。 
I really wish I had had the sense to disregard matters non-essential to the well-beings of my family and myself, and learnt to build relationships with friendly and trustworthy allies instead of unnecessary and formidable adversaries. 

Everything is personal now. It has already been personal from the get-go. 

First, identify the true enemy, if there is any, with actions instead of guessworks. 

Second, remember what I have learnt from pain during the past 4 years and reverse engineer. 

Third, rest until I can truly execute.  

Shut up until then.