Jcyf94's Blog

Self-doubts implies that I am not confident that what I think, say, do, or believe is correct and not a mistake. 
Successful people often contribute their success to self confidence and belief that they are right with strong conviction and persistence. 
In other word, self-doubts hinder success, undermines confidence, and are perceived as weaknesses. 
Yet, self-doubt admits that I am not immune to making mistakes and need reexamination or adjustments of self. 
I want to success. I often self-doubt. Does it constitute as a dilemma? How many holes were there in my brief analysis above of myself? 
Is it a waste of time to contemplate these kinds of issues?

1. Before rebuilding, a blueprint is required, and as opposed to the traditional 2-D static abstraction, only a more up-to-date, multi-dimensional, and dynamic model would suffice. 
2. There are better, gentler and more efficient ways to approach a problem, but there must not be an urge to prove them workable, or even let them be known. Many believe that there is only one correct way to a certain destination, and would consider any alternative a potential threat to their status or interest, thus mercilessly disrupt and sabotage any new approaches until they are rendered detoured by artificial means. 
3. I tried to balance myself by recording my thoughts and not complaining about the struggles in life, large or small. I never considered myself a writer because I know the standard. I write it clean up the mental mess so I can deal with visible mess in reality. I cannot help my wordiness. 
4. I am constantly revising and adjusting my beliefs, thoughts, and approaches. What I wrote in the past might or might not still be applicable to my current frame of mind. 
5. I do not want to keep wasting time being hooked on known distractions, but I am way overdue for a new PC. It is hopefully not wishful thinking that a sufficiently functional and a fundamentally reconstructed digital experiences might alter my usage patterns and behaviors for better with a new light and unanticipated breakthrough and new opportunities. 
4. The water is stale and not flowing at this moment. Any change at this point would more or less bring forth some needed flowing water that is not dead, but the thought of bringing muddy water that would further stifle the current situation still lingers. I have taken enough of dire risk, aware or not, that I refuse to get further stuck and trapped physically and mentally. A right, well-timed change, as insignificant as it might appear, will give me enough boost to build up the strengths to turn things around. I believed three years ago. I still believe now. 
5. I am not a disposable junk or a complacent malcontent. However, if I sense malignant threats, at this point, I have reached the limit to be constrained by logic and rationales. I might not accomplish much, but I have been willing to concentrate on setting up a mutually-assured destructive mechanism. It is not a boast. It is the final gnaw of a chronically wounded animal. 
6. Therefore, back off, with all due respect. Human lives are terrible things to waste, including mine. No one really needs submission or apology, but I am prepared. 
7. Again, please back off.

It is hard to let go the past trauma and the current dilemma. I never served in the military, so I am in no place to compare what they had gone through to my experiences. I hope trauma can be cured and is being cured without further damaging the survivors. Even though it is not cost effective to treat any type of trauma, I hope the ones who suffer and are rendered motionless are not considered sunk cost to be left to suffer continuously or even to be eliminated to reduce cost. I have been self-medicating but afraid to seek real help because the possibility to be treated as disposable waste lingers, as hard as I try to convince myself what I heard was merely hoax. Nothing is impossible, even the unimaginablely inhumane treatments to fellow men. I witness it. I am living through it. I am determined to overcome it. I have lost too much trust in people, especially the profesionals, to make any changes, knowing treatments very often out-damage the sympton itself. I am rather be called a sensitive and fearful recluse than a psychopath or plainly uncurable; no one would willingly accept such labels and fates, or worse, be perceived as incurable, hopeless, or wasted permanently. This is the dilemma any good-intentioned people and the victims of attacks would have to face. “My life is not over. My future is not done. My ability is not wasted. I am not pathologically abnormal.” I am fighting to keep that from being taken away involuntarily. And I know I am not alone.