Jcyf94's Blog

One cannot rationalize his emotional state of mind. Emotions are not supposed to be rational. I have burnt too many bridges and alienated too many people. The damages to self-actualization are irreversible when sentenses and phrases are used. The instincts to seek help and relief are inevitable when threats and terrors are present. I have no complaints. I was reading what I wrote 7 months earlier, and this is the best I can summarize why I wrote what I wrote and did what I did after then. It is a game to many but never to me.

Direct energy weapons assaults, surveillance, gang stalking, PSYOPs, Zersetzung. 

The invisible violence is all around us. 

“Your hands are soaked in blood, visible and invisible, that you will never be able to wash away, regardless how many gloves you wear. “

Belligerance and hostility take over one’s nature when one’s born nature does not confine to the morphing but standardizing mode of communications, thus is not able to determine the proper reactions to certain verbal or sensory gestures. Maybe they are designed to create doubts and fears, and have successfully disrupted the target in the long run. One cannot break down a subjective experience when there is no reference point around which communication is established. This is wh something that is designed to be non-lethal becomes worse than lethal. It does not take away lives, but it destroys them to the point that are beyond repair. That is worse than death, and that is an act of torture. Nobody chooses to be voluntarily experimented on, and choose tortures over comforts. I have experienced pain for the past two hours in the head, and I am certain of its origin and have no control over such force. There was never a choice, and if I am cryptic, it is the reality. When i see ehat is being done onto me, I have no words to describe it. I am thinking about the word “genocide”, and from where I stand, it is not far-fetched or delusional, but I have reached my limit as to clear my name and reach for helps. I will KILL to keep holding onto hope, hope that things will get better.

Self-doubts implies that I am not confident that what I think, say, do, or believe is correct and not a mistake. 
Successful people often contribute their success to self confidence and belief that they are right with strong conviction and persistence. 
In other word, self-doubts hinder success, undermines confidence, and are perceived as weaknesses. 
Yet, self-doubt admits that I am not immune to making mistakes and need reexamination or adjustments of self. 
I want to success. I often self-doubt. Does it constitute as a dilemma? How many holes were there in my brief analysis above of myself? 
Is it a waste of time to contemplate these kinds of issues?

1. Before rebuilding, a blueprint is required, and as opposed to the traditional 2-D static abstraction, only a more up-to-date, multi-dimensional, and dynamic model would suffice. 
2. There are better, gentler and more efficient ways to approach a problem, but there must not be an urge to prove them workable, or even let them be known. Many believe that there is only one correct way to a certain destination, and would consider any alternative a potential threat to their status or interest, thus mercilessly disrupt and sabotage any new approaches until they are rendered detoured by artificial means. 
3. I tried to balance myself by recording my thoughts and not complaining about the struggles in life, large or small. I never considered myself a writer because I know the standard. I write it clean up the mental mess so I can deal with visible mess in reality. I cannot help my wordiness. 
4. I am constantly revising and adjusting my beliefs, thoughts, and approaches. What I wrote in the past might or might not still be applicable to my current frame of mind. 
5. I do not want to keep wasting time being hooked on known distractions, but I am way overdue for a new PC. It is hopefully not wishful thinking that a sufficiently functional and a fundamentally reconstructed digital experiences might alter my usage patterns and behaviors for better with a new light and unanticipated breakthrough and new opportunities. 
4. The water is stale and not flowing at this moment. Any change at this point would more or less bring forth some needed flowing water that is not dead, but the thought of bringing muddy water that would further stifle the current situation still lingers. I have taken enough of dire risk, aware or not, that I refuse to get further stuck and trapped physically and mentally. A right, well-timed change, as insignificant as it might appear, will give me enough boost to build up the strengths to turn things around. I believed three years ago. I still believe now. 
5. I am not a disposable junk or a complacent malcontent. However, if I sense malignant threats, at this point, I have reached the limit to be constrained by logic and rationales. I might not accomplish much, but I have been willing to concentrate on setting up a mutually-assured destructive mechanism. It is not a boast. It is the final gnaw of a chronically wounded animal. 
6. Therefore, back off, with all due respect. Human lives are terrible things to waste, including mine. No one really needs submission or apology, but I am prepared. 
7. Again, please back off.

It is hard to let go the past trauma and the current dilemma. I never served in the military, so I am in no place to compare what they had gone through to my experiences. I hope trauma can be cured and is being cured without further damaging the survivors. Even though it is not cost effective to treat any type of trauma, I hope the ones who suffer and are rendered motionless are not considered sunk cost to be left to suffer continuously or even to be eliminated to reduce cost. I have been self-medicating but afraid to seek real help because the possibility to be treated as disposable waste lingers, as hard as I try to convince myself what I heard was merely hoax. Nothing is impossible, even the unimaginablely inhumane treatments to fellow men. I witness it. I am living through it. I am determined to overcome it. I have lost too much trust in people, especially the profesionals, to make any changes, knowing treatments very often out-damage the sympton itself. I am rather be called a sensitive and fearful recluse than a psychopath or plainly uncurable; no one would willingly accept such labels and fates, or worse, be perceived as incurable, hopeless, or wasted permanently. This is the dilemma any good-intentioned people and the victims of attacks would have to face. “My life is not over. My future is not done. My ability is not wasted. I am not pathologically abnormal.” I am fighting to keep that from being taken away involuntarily. And I know I am not alone.

When you are put under surveilance and have your every behavior broadcasted to people with identity and quantity unknown, you are essentially imprisoned by people who have access to such technology. You may or may not know its pesence; if you know, you or any normal people will first trying to evade it. If it is not possible, you try to find people with similar plight to figure ways to cope with it. If no one can be found, you learn to endure the chronic psychological torture. If you cannot endure it any more, you record it but never ever would admit the torture in definite terms. If you carelessly present it as truth without evidences or witnesses, say you lie for fun and apologize. 

You never ever expect anyone to believe you are sincere. There are assumptions people made about yourself that will never alter. 

The damage done is forever. It has got nothing to do with being right or wrong. 

I am a slow and dull person, but I know what some people are capable of.

There are people who you want to scream, “Fuck you! If you are trying to destroy my life, my sanity and my lovelihood for your entertainment, you are going to regret, even I am buried under my grave.” But I do not know who to scream to, or rather, there are too many people and entities that I want to curse to. 

There are people who you want to thank, simply for saving my life, helping me when I am being dragged down, and encouraging me to stay standing when the assaults come. But I do not know who to thank to because they come like a breeze through my mind. 

There are people who through fear and uncertainty installed deep-rooted terrors and hatred in my soul, and I have learned to disguise such terrors and hatred in daily lives. I want these people to suffer deeply the way I suffered, but I do not know who they are and I do not have he knowledge and means to make these people suffer. 

There are people who try to persuade me to forgive. There is no forgiving when people are still going after your life, sanity and livelihood. When the assaults stop, I do not think about forgiveness. I think about the way to counter the assaults when next time people attack me. Yes, there are people whom I need to ask for their forgiveness, but not the enemies and predators who had dehumanized me. 

When I think about certain pasts in which I was brutally assaulted physically and psychologically, I repeat myself, because that is the only way I can cope with everything that has happened to me. 

你們已經失去基本的人格你們已經失去僅存的信任

你們已經失去恐懼的力量

你們已經失去施虐的功能

你們已經失去惡意的絕望

你們已經失去羞辱的動機

你們已經失去監視的目的

你們已經重燃復仇的決心
If you are hungry, eat. 

If you are thirsty, drink. 

If you are tired, rest. 

If you are sick, heal. 

If you are wronged, right the wrong. 

If you are attacked, fend the attack. 

If you are confused, find a compass, 

If you are in danger, seek a refuge. 
On paper, things are not supposed to appear that difficult.

Am I a lunatic? 
Am I losing grips with reality? 
Am I Truly being put under surveillance? 

Am I having my privacy completely stripped off still after 3+ years? 

Am I the cancer to the society, as stated by the media, the government, and seemedly majority of the society? 

Do people just blame everything on my supposed delinquency? 

Are there really people out actively trying to get us, knowing that I am in deep rage and paranoia, and have absolutely legitimate and ample reasons to feel this way? 

Am I worthy to live? 

Are my parents worthy to live? 

Are we no longer in position to determine the worthiness of our lives and our sanity? 

Am I capable of combatting and winning against the force so powerful that it has rendered me motionless and paralyzed, with only hatred and hope as my sole life supports? 

Is this my last resort to regain the control to my life subsistence? 

Are all these my fault and my fault solely? 

Is this just an entertainment to you to watch me and my family struggle for survival? 

Am I a lunatic?