Jcyf94's Blog

What you don’t know could kill you. What you know could kill you. 

Basically to prevent people from killing you, you need to know certain things and must not know certain things, unless you know enough or don’t know enough to kill the ones who try to kill you. 

That makes all aforementioned extremely redundant. 

It is O.K. For now. I am taking a dump. I am learning to take linguistic games and psychological maneuvers as dumps. For five minutes, I get to vent in what is supposed to be a private place.

So much time is wasted on reaction to people’s attacks and condescensions that had prevented me to be a free man. No more. 

It is likely that I will be going to die a horrible death, so I do not have much time left. 

I write a lot, but I am not a writer. 

I feel exactly the same way about my situation exactly three years ago. It is not the chemical because I Have not taken the medication that supposedly cause me to feel that way for six months and half. 

Every problem has its solution. It is just the case thatI have worked it out by myself. I seem to be others’ problem and that itself is my biggest problem because they have tried for five years trying to rid this problem that is me. 

現在不能說不知道以暴制暴是社會常態，要避免父母被「親朋好友」慢性謀殺，只有go directly to the sources of death threats。 
I really wish I had had the sense to disregard matters non-essential to the well-beings of my family and myself, and learnt to build relationships with friendly and trustworthy allies instead of unnecessary and formidable adversaries. 

Everything is personal now. It has already been personal from the get-go. 

First, identify the true enemy, if there is any, with actions instead of guessworks. 

Second, remember what I have learnt from pain during the past 4 years and reverse engineer. 

Third, rest until I can truly execute.  

Shut up until then.

It does not matter if I write my thought here or on my paper diary because everything I write, say, do, react is being under surveillance. If I write down what I think, my thoughts are also being put under surveillance. I have repeated the above mentioned to myself so many time that I am sick of writing about it. I write down what I think so I will not be driven insane or incapacitated; in exchange, people can read my thoughts and emotions. I do not know whether other people are going through the same plights. I never asked. I fantasize that I have been some kind of danger and the surveillance is to protect me. That thought immediately evaporated every time I turned on the radio, television, opened the newspapers, or went online. Every day people on the street are pissed at me for something I did in my supposedly private place, and my life is not interesting at all. Now that I know for sure the surveillance is hostile combined with sporadic direct energy attacks, and my existence and well-being to many other mean little, or a lot in the negative way, I am essentially a fugitive. In the court of public opinions, you are guilty before you are proven innocent. Knowing that you have enemies and are actively seeking ways to terminate me without trace will not stop me from trying to defend my past, my present, my basic value, and my argument for my continuous existence. I repeat the same thing because I need constant affirmations life is still worth living even under current circumstances and I would find an emotional and physical shelter for my family and I, and people who suffered or are suffering the similar plights. 

If you do these (insert your numbers) things, I will be/not be (the states/ outcomes you wish you were in). 

.  
You have got the power

I had long been well aware.  

I followed the power naturally  

I believed it’s for Greater Good. 

I could have done better.  

Not better than I aspired,

But better than this shell,

A sorry excuse for an entity.  

– To those aware & heart-sunk

I wish empathy is possible. I cannot explain the complexity of the current situation I am facing but I am in utter despair. Unless you have felt the sensation I am feeling right now, it is impossible to know how I feel. Almost everyone would make the same conclusion if I describe my story of the past 4 years in full, but that would be the wrong conclusion. I am desperate for someone to believe what I say and know what to do precisely. If I am correct, I will never accept willingly that my life and my mental faculties are forever to be controlled and mandated by people whom I would never know. I risk humiliating myself to write because that is the only way I knew where I stand and how you feel. I wish I had learned to type Chinese faster. I am not a drama queen and I am really normal.

There are things I forget that others have not.  There are things others forget that I have not.  Things do not align.  I do not know what I should apologize and forgive anymore.  All that remain are the thoughts of not getting tortured, humiliated and persecuted again.  I am going to be a porcupine for a long time and I do not wish to be so, but I cannot change it. 

2:40.  Getting my head bashed again.  Something I have been trying to get used to.  Physical and mental abuses.  

10:55. Just awake.   This time is the torso and the right shoulders.  Only tithing you can do is endure the pain and fight mentally against these sadistic torturers. And murderers.  Missed going to work.  

22:30.  Head-baking begin again. 

I am permanently at war now. 

Today is July 1st. 

* Speaking truth to power is not an universal value; in fact, most of the time it will get you killed or worse. 

Hypocrisy is “the claim or pretense of holding beliefs, feelings, standards, qualities, opinions, behaviors, virtues, motivations, or other characteristics that one does not actually hold. Hypocrisy is not simply failing to practice those virtues that one preaches,” based on Wikipedia.  We do not need Wikipedia to know what a bullshit is.  

My current plight is warranted apparently because of I am full of hypocrisy and bullshit.  That is what people I respected and semi-respected have felted, as well as countless faceless strangers.  

I introspect about and reflect on quite often the past.  I did many wrongs and made a lot of mistakes, but I have never done something so heinous as disregarding aperson’s life that I deserved all the threats, humiliation and dehunization I have received.  

I do not whine.  I do not like to ask others’ for help.  Therefore I write down what had happened to me, if not for a hope of eventual rescue, at least to set the record straight.