Jcyf94's Blog

Banana: what does it mean to be white?  What does it mean to be Asian? What does it mean to be western?  What does it mean to be “oriental”? 

Confederate flag: I am a foreigner.  It is not my place to hold a position.  My position is simply keep the love and respect and let flown away the hate and the dehumanizations, even though a lot of time it is hard if your fear and hate are chronically exacerbated by your environment.  Yes, the Charleston shooting is a political act and the declaration of war, alike Unabomber but worse to the 100th degrees.  

Gun: I have been anti-gun my whole life until 2010; This basic belief was swayed by a traumatic event.  I do not wish to get into the specific, other than that I had experienced being stripped of my freedom involuntarily, calling for help but cannot speak and the help that I thought I can count on was not available.  I will leave others to judge whether this traumatic experience is justifies or not; I do not have interests to even think about what happened.  Personally, I had been traumatized chronically until recent months.  That trauma, combined with others, swayed me to cling on airsoft guns and knife for security, even it is only a illusion of security.  I am not a gun enthusiast.  I do not even what to own a gun, knowing in the heat of moments nobody can safely declare that they can constraint himself not to use weapons onto others, whether the situation warrants it or not.  I now use my airsoft gun to vent frustration and concentrate like archery, both with a safe target.  I use my knife to open letters and cut papers.  If what I perceive prove to be true, I like to make certain of my position and that though most of time there is no such thing as coincidence, it just happens once here.

Unabomber’ Manifesto: I am not,and will not be promoting or advocating violence intentionally.  If I had just tweeted Neil Postman, I would have guess the perception would be different.  No one cares about my views on technology.  Let us keep it this way.  I was thinking about the two incidences, not declaring anything. 

Privacy: When you are stripped of all your privacy for the world to examine every part of you in full, no one with conscience should call you self-promoting, and trying to grab attentions.  I am trying to grab attentions to those who are able to give me less attentions and give my privacy back, my life back.  There are many things that I did wrong, but I am not a criminal.  Unfortunately I do not get to decide it.  

Enemy: enemies for some people are their victims who have not perished yet.  When one intimidates rather than reasons, he knows that reasons do not stand beside him, or he know making one fear is more efficient than making one understanding.  

My mind leaps.  Very often I have to explain the stream of thoughts and cannot get my messages across.  Now that I am in the situation I am in, I am making a point to mute myself, but sometimes I leak.  

Not until the the recent years do I start to understand what it is supposed to mean. 

It is 5:22 in the morning.  I just had a food poisoning.  Normally, I will think that I had bad food, but that is not what I think anymore when I feel nausea from now on.  I will not treat muscle pains just as cramps, lighted-headedness just as fatigue,sickness as sickness.  

There is a cockroach alive in my room now.  I have no intention to kill it; I just wish it to go away from my sight.  I posted Unabomber’s manifesto on Tweeter, and now I see in NYT that racist manifesto was discovered and the investigation is ongoing.  What makes people want to exterminate me as they want to exterminate cockroach with even more sinister methods?  I may be looked upon by people with extreme powers as a cockroach.  I never had my Kafka moments.  I am a human being, no more, no less. 

I had ample sleep last night.  I got fed three meals a day.  I had helps to get my house in order.  My mom, dad and sister had dinner together.  I have money to cover my basic needs.  Therefore you will not hear me complain about anything, at leas at this moment.  

I do not know the differences among whining, seeking helps, self-motivating and occasional uncontrollable outbursts.  All,I know is that I am looking at the previous paragraph and wondering if I would be able to have physical and psychological capacity to appreciate them when my brain drifts to a different place.  

Is it whining?  

If I were gone before dad and mom, they would be devastated beyond belief.  Only sis would be willing and capable of taking care of them.  Therefore I need to not die and not make them continue worry, but my life is no longer up to me now.  It belongs to the governments, conglomerates, militarized, police, and their hired dogs.  

If I were to die after dad they will torture me to death along with my mother because they hate her too.  Sis would be forced to terminate us along with them because they would certainly threaten Celeste’safety if sis did not obey.  Mom and I would be driven to death, insanity, poverty, or worst.  One of us is going to die before the others.  I have had my ability to take care of myself, let along the ability to take care mom and dad, chronically beaten out of me, physically and psychologically.  The doctors’ motive is not to heal, but to worsen our health because it is profitable considering the money coming from our enemies.  

People who committed suicide with their family are considered selfish and black-hearted and are despised by the society.  I understand where they are coming from.  I am lucky to have not been in their situations, but I know desperation and the nature of the society are.  I have seen them.  I have experienced them.  I know the faces of evil and cold-bloodedness.  I would not want my children and parents alive to be at the Hands of those creatures.

Quest for love. Quest for knowledge.  Quest for tranquility.  Quest for lucidity.  Quest for exceptionality.  Quest for normalcy.  Quest to be able to comfort my family.  Quest to fend off intruders, predators, and true evil in Hu man’s forms.  Quest for peace.  Quest for strength to fend them off.  Quest for peace against those soldiers, police and goddamn writers.  Quest for people who suffer the way I suffer and more.  Quest for mercy amongst human beings.  

I know things I know, which is why I take gamble in my life.  I have to reveal my thoughts and actions to complete strangers, many of who desperately want me dead, incapacitated, or void of creditability because of what they had done to me.  I cannot sleep at night.  The sleeping pill will not help.  The daytime always starts half-conscious.  Everything I enjoy and aspire I am not able to remember.  I need to pound enough coffee to be barely functional. Methylphenidate worked but it is not an option now because everyone thinks I would just try to get a fix.  I cannot go to any other doctors of any sorts now because of “beauty”.  Many desperately try to paint me and make me as a delinquent addict so to maintain that drug users are evil thus need to be exterminated like germs.  They will use any means to make my life unlivable to prove that, whether I use Methylphenidate or not.  I fully understand how vicious, brutal and dark-hearted people are capable of because I witnessed and experienced first.  They are the ones who remind me of the third reich and they are powerful and ruthless leaders of the society, private and public sectors.  I eat to release panic stress and chaos.  They want to see me suffer slowly until death.  I fear them and loath them, and their dogs.  

Shame, Trauma, Rage, Torture, Betrayal, Despair, Vengeance

I am sick of repeating myself as I am powerless to do anything but write. I am sick of writing.

I am transcribing the scripture which describes the picture.

That is more sanitizing, yes?

Samson said unto the lad that held him by the hand, Suffer me that I may feel the pillars whereupon the house resteth, that I may lean upon them. Now the house was full of men and women; and all the lords of the Philistines were there; and there were upon the roof about three thousand men and women, that beheld while Samson made sport. And Samson called unto Jehovah, and said, O Lord Jehovah, remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes. And Samson took hold of the two middle pillars upon which the house rested, and leaned upon them, the one with his right hand, and the other with his left. And Samson said, Let me die with the Philistines. And he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead that he slew at his death were more than they that he slew in his life.

“And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the Lord, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them.”

我等了三年仍不清楚誰是策劃鏟除我們家的主首. 我們家從未批評或對您有任何不敬,我拼了命想了解我做了甚麼傷天害理的惡行,讓您痛恨我到全家連坐,凌辱賤蹋,至死方休的深刻程度. 我們家非得被抄家滅族您才能罷休嗎? 我不是一個嚴重到無法分辨現實的精神病人。您和我做了什麼事，互相知道。I do take death threat from the leader of the nation seriously. Must my parents and I die in agony to curb your anger? 如果我推測錯誤請原諒並體諒desperation.