Jcyf94's Blog

For these past three and half years, I have trying to learn to use social network as tools to provide much-needed assistance to get myself out of the extremely dire situations. There have been too much irregularities surrounding both physical and virtual environments for me to be able to list all of them chronologically. It is impossible for me alone to sort out legitimate facts from manufactured lies and far-fetched speculations, and initially, I was hoping to use social media to collaborate with friends to create some sort of synergy in order to accomplish the aforementioned goal with greater efficacy. This dates back to mid 2009. I was, and still am novice to computing, internet and social media, and was forced to figure them all out alone by myself. I am not here to whine, complain or be entertained. I have never been very well-rounded with people. You are the ones to determine if I am an asshole. I always try to learn how to befriend with people and how human relation works because I enjoy being around people but often time find it extremely difficult to avoid awkwardness. You can now start calling me Rainman or Social Retard; I have endured enough mean-spirited degradation and blatant insults to take all kinds of humiliation. I never asked for or wanted anyone’s pity; I chose to be in isolation and endure the solitude instead of being others’ jester, especially after I came back Home from the states.

The point is, I had limited social contacts locally, and did not know anyone who would be wlliing and capable to work together on the project. I did not know whether things that happened to me and the confusion that followed are commonly shared experiences or unique only to myself. If no one else felt the fear and panic I had felt, I would not expect any help from even close friends. Everything was interlinked and I was not sure if it was worthy telling my life story to people who might or might not wish to hear. At that time, my friends and family acquaintences started to die one by one. Many are sick of cancer and others started to develop Alzheimer or dementia, while many close friends either disappeared or avoided any form of contacts. The fear and anxiety, accompanied with piles of personal experiences that were beyond by capabilities to make sense of. What was common was daily built-up of fear and worries. Fear of death or persecution is self-explanatory; I asked myself whether it is a new type of warfare directed at civilians. From where I was located at the time, it was not irrational to make such speculation. I especially worried about my parents and friends that were out of reach, since even though I was surrounded by paranormal phenomenons, I have enough within to come up with explanations that were logical; my parents would not know how to make sense of anything for certain, and they have reached the age that any extreme emotions could result in irreversible damages. I have got to come up with some immediate actions to determine 1)have they experienced what I experienced, and 2)should I tell them what had happened to be so they would not be shocked when those circunstances arrived, or should I keep it to myself so they would not start worrying about me, with me knowing they wouldn’t be able to seek help anywhere. It was a blatant assault on the senses and it went for the kill.

I had to rely on the internet and social network to make any meaningful progress to at least make some sense so I would knoiw how to begin to handle the situation correctly. From June 2009 to this very day, I have experienced truly unspeakable torment. I stated that I do not ask for pity, so I would skip the detail regarding the physical tortures and psychological traumas. My family is afflent; no one would give a fuck what I had had to endure. At the risk of sounding delusional, I am certain my own government is the main culprit with helps from the U.S. and China. I know this would not make any sense. Who the hell am I that my government would spent all these efforts to annihilate my family? I know the reason, but it is of no use to describe the inner working of this government. Just think of Pinochet and Franco.

I have been trying to get my stories told for three years. I was hesitant to point fingers since it is impossible to come up with any kind of evidence exscept my first person encounter. The government took care of that when I was sent to a psychiatric ward, thus destroy any credibility I have. It is certain to me that U.S. involvement has been made certain to me, most likely involving some PMC for hire.

I am completely aware how all these would sound to you. I expect 80-90% of people would accuse me of either making up stories for my entertainment or perceive me as a complete lunatic. At this point, my life has been completely ruined without any possible chance to clear my name and dignity. I am putting my words out there because I will not voluntarily give up that 10% of chance that justice would be served. I have a weak case and everything would be blamed on my medical situation as an excuse.

I have sworned to put my life at stake to 1)dedicate what is remained of my life to guard against further assaults to my family, and 2)right the wrongs and 3)vengeance to the perpetrators. The last one is but wishful thinking. I just need a few people to believe my story and help me at least keep my parents from ongoing medical mandate. I have our X-ray and medical records. Take my life if it satisfies you, to give them extra healthy years in this world. I have already begun prepare for myself the likely inevitable. The vengeance is sworn; I will make do with what I have.

Farewell.

P.S.: I will deny all the abovementioned if it becomes an evidence to enforce mandatory medical incarciration stated in the local law.

Never in my wildest dream would I ever anticipate that I have become my parents’ most hated enemies, especially me.

While I was incapacitated, worrying sick about my parents’ physical and mental well-beings, they have been convinced that I hold only the most malicious intentions and have no regard as to their lives. In other word, they have been convinced that I have been hoping for their haste…

ned death and care only their wealth.

I know many of their friends despise me, see only malignant elements in me and wish me to continue to suffer until I die in pain. I have been receiving many not-so-subtle hints, pushing me to consider ending my life voluntarily, as I have been deemed by unanimous consensus to be unworthy to continue living.

They are powerful and unrelenting people who I uses to hold tremendous respect for their achievements. However, after knowing how negatively they perceived me and willingly they were eager to destroy me, I lived in utter terror for the past 3+ years, and desperately tried to reach within myself to counter what they called “justice” served.

It is no use naming names. They can easily deny such plot and come after me in a different way. Moreover, no one would dare help me thus become their enemy.

I just refuse to believe being the hated enemy of my beloved is real. I have drained myself to think of a way to save them from countless veiled threats and attempts on their lives. I do not expect anything in return for I have owed them too much, but to be regarded as their enemy and threat to their lives has shattered my heart.

You can disregard your life to annihilate your nemesis, you cannot stop your most beloved to stop hating you,

To my sworn enemies, I will seriously consider ending my life voluntarily, if you guarantee the safety of my family, even knowing you are adept in betrayals and breaking promises. I just wish curses cast upon you will come true.

Addendum:

Words are cheap.

I totally missed That I do not need to prove to anyone of any crime; it is not like anyone will be willing to help. If I were correct, the powerful people who appeared to be my father’s friends have malicious intents against my family with100% certainty. People whom I do not know the identities want either me or my father suffer excruciating pain then die; that is the social norm of a society stacked with sadists.

台灣人重情感的概念是宣傳工具。政商菁英鬥爭的手段的狠毒冷血，認為人命天生卑賤的價值觀，和可為了個人面子，商業利益，以死亡恐懼來控制，或純粹以操縱人命當做休閒娛樂，我不應該不知道，任何人的性命和身家財產，隨時輕易可被犧牲掉。不要提到人權，把台灣看成有生命安全保障基礎的天堂是我思想的偏差。不想著乖乖賺錢，快樂享福，而意見太多，惹禍上身，沒有及時入境隨俗，是我犯的錯誤。

If that is the case, people would want to see me put in poverty and sickness and watch me suffer. I should understand that you do not have to be someone’s enemy to receive any lethal attack if attackers feel like destroying someone’s life and family. That is part of the tradition I could never forget.

If the targer is my father, I beome their weapon to hurt Father using my incompetence to shame and belittle Father; moreover, they already cause damages to my father’s health by medical means.

I do truly wish to see people and their clan fully purged clean. However, we are the ones ready to be slaughtered at any moment. Hatred has its use, but not now. I have lived in fear daily since 2009; it has been part of my life, as the authority had designed. Knowing the perpetrators’ frustration that I have not either committed suicide, become completely insane, or been banished out of my home, I anticipate atrocity to strike anytime to wipe out my or my family’s existence once for all.

I always wanted to ask, what have I done to deserve this? Now, I know enough not to ask such dumb questions. They do not need a reason to annihilate anyone; it is the traditional way.

There must be some kind of prevention mechanism, or there should be, to ensure things I spent hours writing do not repeatedly get erased by just a light finger brush, or an extra second pressing the erase or delete keys.

Maybe I never had any interesting or helpful things to say, but I do take them doggone seriously as hell. I am too burnt out to get mad and frustrated about 100+ words and ? hours lost right now, but it feels like borderline hazing by some unknown forces.

Genii working here for Facebook: just two little humble pleas:

1. I do not know why every time when I attempted to writing something of greater length, the website frequently logged me out automatically? I lost too much time and energy, repeatedly seeing my writing evaporated as I was forcibly locked out. If it is my lack of knowledge on the setup, please teach me how to fix it.
2. Please introduce auto-safe function as appeared in Microsoft Office. This ought not be complex at all, I assume. This is not a blog site, I am aware. I should stop treating it like one. However, I am betting many have the similar frustrations in regard to having your works disappeared just like that.

These problems should be easy- piecey to most, coming from someone completely illiterate in speaking code languages and foreign to the specifics of internet, networking, and computer science.

These are only small details, but most regular users, I assume, must have had similar experiences, if you are of my age or older. Otherwise I would have to admit to myself my own stupidity so utterly immense and unique it warrants special attentions.

There must be some way out of here

Said the joker to the thief

There’s too much confusion

I can’t get no relief

Businessmen, they drink my wine

Plowmen dig my earth

None of them along the line

Know what any of it is worth

No reason to get excited

The thief, he kindly spoke

There are many here among us

Who feel that life is but a joke

But you and I, we’ve been through that

And this is not our fate

So let us not talk falsely now

The hour is getting late

All along the watchtower

Princes kept the view

While all the women came and went

Barefoot servants, too

Outside in the distance

A wildcat did growl

Two riders were approaching

The wind began to howl

I have been extremely embarrassed for a long time.

Even though I have not done anything, in its essense, that I ought to be embarassed about, I am extremely embarrassed, but I have no choice but to let this be mad open in the public, knowing it would invite deeper embarrasement.

I have written things that were dictated by my ignorance, emotions, and biases, and I have been extremely embarrased by them after I had the chance to re-read them.  For a person who values his privacy and understands the power of words, I am especially embarrased by carelessly having divulging my private emotion and thoughts in the public arena, and have been occupied by efforts to correct such mistakes, only to worsen the situation.

I am not only embarrased, but humbled by having to acknowledge that not every mistakes, even with benign intention and utmost effort, can be corrected, and sometimes there is nothing a man can do but to stand prepared to withstand great shame and other inevitable consequences.

I have exhausted myself trying to shed the label of being a mere cautionary tale to others, and fancied that even in the most embarrasing circumstances I would find something within that could be valuable and useful to others, a list of dos and don’ts for example.  I believed foolishly that by providing enough volume of words, I would eventually be set free from the chain from the past that has haunted me, as embarrassing as it would appear.

At this moment, I also must state that I am in no place to speak, let alone offering any type of lessons or warnings.  Such wishful thinking indirectly implies that others are as incompetent as I was, thus would find my experiences useful.  I am not so narcissistic to ignore the fact that my weaknesses and incompetence attribute to no one else but me solely, and that realistically speaking, I have little to offer that is of any value to anyone.

It is embarrasing to have to admit the aforementioned to myself, let alone anyone else, but in order to stop embarrasing myself and my loved ones, I can think of nothing else that is more appropriate and necessary.

There is no painless way to end this properly.

I still need to keep writing now because I am afraid.

I am desperately searching for inner strength, while being scorned as cowardly, shameless and incompetent.

All words and no action.

I might be soft-hearted, dim-witted, a simpleton and a plain dumb fuck,

but

I was named after the most famous dictator of the strongest empire ever,

and

my firm was named after the genocidal founder of the larest empire ever.

The DNA of a power-hungry dictator is hidden deep in my gene,

despite the fact that I appear naive, timid, over-protected, and weak-willed.

Underneath the identities of

an untested idealist,

an insecure humanitarian,

a wordy pseudo-intellectual, and

a terribly-shallow thinker with low ceiling,

when the situation urgently demands, I must believe,

I will force out the elements of

a ruthless, morally-bereft alpha, and

an apathetically blood-thirsty tyrant,

deeply buried within,

to withstand the unbearable pain,

to defend the unprotected domain,

to annihilate the unbeatable foes, and

to heal the unmendable wounds of my loved one.

I will find that inner strength, while still being scorned as cowardly, shameless and incompetent, but without having to use words to stimulate actions.

By then, I will not need to cling onto Macchiavelli, Clausewith, Sun-Tsu, or Nietzsche.

By then, I will not need to juice up my confidence with images, sounds, and words,

thus have to risk bearing endless shame and embarrassment in public.

By then, I will not need to rely on make-believe delusions to keep my hope alive.

By then,  I will not need to keep on writing,

but I will definitely keep on writing,

at last, no longer having any reasons to be afraid,

totally content of being a sub-par, awkward, and undisciplined writer.

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;

For those whom thou think’st thou dost overthrow,

Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,

Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee do go,

Rest of their bones, and soul’s delivery.

Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell;

And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well

And better than thy stroke; why swell’st thou then?

One short sleep past, we wake eternally,

And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die

“I think therefore I am.”

This is what I am eager to spend energy working on, separating facts from fiction, invisible conspiracy from delusional speculations, and manipulated fears from realistic concerns.

If I cannot rely on others for their expertise and integrity to guard the most basic safety net for life support, what else can I rely on? Who else can I believe?

If economic or even political considerations were to have trumped my life and existence, what must I do to build resistence against inner despair and outer threats, both imminent at this junction of my life?

Why is it justifiable to slowly destroying my will and mind when I have never willingly and consciously done one single thing against my conscience, ever?

I have lost basic trust in people and languages.  I now believe that people are capable of committing acts unimaginably bereft and conscienceless when properly reprogrammed.

Deception, manipulation, coercion and threats, using mass syndication, multiply the power of spoken and printed words, sounds and images that were so masterfully sculpted and layered that the aforementioned acts against humanity can be efficiently adapted and accepted as social norm.

I wish I had been able to pinpoint my weaknesses earlier in my life enough to do something about them.  I was not because of lack of efforts, but I am learning not to justify myself when facing hostile and malicious verbal attacks.  Attacks are meant to inflict damages and force submission.  I will never mistaken others’ attacks as constructive criticism.

It is too late, I am afraid.  They have already done their irreversible damages onto me long time ago.  My parents cannot save me from the wolfpacks anymore.

To exist in the midst of cold-blooded predators who take pride in their ability to maim, torture and slaughter using various means, is not an abstract concept.  It cannot be any more real and urgent than what I am facing right now.